A Do It Yourself Ashes Test Match Report

Can't wait for the Ashes? Get started early with a DIY Test.

England captain Ben Stokes 

1. won

2. lost

3. ignored

4. telekinetically controlled 

the toss and the home side bowled first, with Jimmy Anderson taking the new ball alongside 

1. Stuart Broad

2. Ollie Robinson

3. Jack Leach

4. a mannequin brought to life by a kiss from Brendon McCullum

Australia were swiftly in trouble after 

1. the loss of early wickets

2. hurling a stream of unnecessary abuse at Ollie Pope

3. being caught siphoning petrol for their team bus

4. ‘dacking’ umpire Richard Illingworth

but soon recovered thanks to

1. stubborn

2. defiant

3. eccentric

4. too much

batting from Steve Smith and Marnus Labuschagne.

The pair saw Australia safely to

1. stumps on the first day

2. a record third wicket Ashes partnership

3. a nearby Nando’s recommended by one of Smith’s new mates at Sussex

before late order hitting from Mitchell Starc saw Pat Cummins declare

1. shortly before tea on the second day.

2. with the score 401/7.

3. that Starc would never be permitted to score a century on his watch.

In reply, the England openers scored quickly against

1. wayward

2. panic-stricken

3. an inexplicable spate of part-time

bowling, with Zak Crawley, in particular, compiling a predictable

1. duck.

2. half-century.

3. scrapbook of his team mates’ successes.

4. Spotify playlist called ‘Songs to Bazball to’, that he played incessantly in the dressing room until Stuart Broad told him to ‘turn that fucking noise down, Zak’.

England’s run a ball innings had Cummins searching desperately for a breakthrough, which he eventually found in the unlikely form of

1. Cameron Green.

2. Travis Head.

3. a passing lycanthrope named Roger The Werewolf.

The ensuing collapse brought England’s innings to a close, but not before

1. a carefree Mark Wood fifty.

2. Joe Root played one too many switch hits. 

3. the name ‘Gilbert Jessop’ was invoked at least five times.

4. an unimaginably tiresome number of sandpaper jokes were made.

England’s small first innings lead was then swiftly wiped out by

1. Australia’s openers

2. Andrew McDonald hacking into the scoreboard mainframe

3. a Stokesian whim

and a 

1. chanceless Usman Khawaja century

2. brazen Travis Head counter-attack

3. series of inexplicable third umpire glitches

4. dumbstruck crowd still banging on about sandpaper

saw Australia in a position of dominance late on the fourth day.

But just as Cummins’ men seemed certain to set England a fourth innings target that was

1. obviously out of reach

2. challenging for proper cricketing nations who showed an inkling of respect for the history of the game

3. both a palindromic number and a perfect square

, a blitz from Stuart Broad with the new

1. ball

2. Timothée Chalamet hair style

3. outswinger he had invented

ensured Australia were suddenly all

1. out.

2. in a dither.

3. having flashbacks to Trent Bridge, 2015.

4. on their collective high horse about English clouds and the Dukes ball.

Needing 

1. more than 400 runs

2. the assistance of a large, partisan crowd

3. to justify the hype of Bazball

on the final day, England started

1. frenetically.

2. carefully.

3. singing ‘Jerusalem’.

4. to pee their pants a little in anticipatory excitement.

The accurate bowling of Cummins and Josh Hazlewood, however, ensured a steady fall of

1. wickets

2. England morale

3. bookmakers’ odds

before the England middle order was

1. spun

2. found

3. grossed

4. turned inside

out by Nathan Lyon.

Stokes, however, remained at the crease, and with the able assistance of

1. Jack Leach

2. Stuart Broad’s close personal friend, the Nighthawk

3. brazenly partisan home umpiring

4. edible cannabis gummies

he led an improbable, mad charge for

1. victory.

2. glory.

3. his inevitable knighthood.

With one ball remaining in the Test, one wicket in hand and two runs needed to win, the England captain fearlessly 

1. crashed a four through the covers

2. reverse-swept the ball into his own stumps

3. declared the England innings closed

4. made a citizen’s arrest of David Warner

, an act he explained away in the post-match interview with Mike Atherton as:

1. ‘We like to play positive cricket’

2. ‘That’s Bazball, baby!’

3. the first rule of Fight Club.