A Do It Yourself Ashes Test Match Report
Can't wait for the Ashes? Get started early with a DIY Test.
England captain Ben Stokes
won
lost
ignored
telekinetically controlled
the toss and the home side bowled first, with Jimmy Anderson taking the new ball alongside
Stuart Broad
Ollie Robinson
Jack Leach
a mannequin brought to life by a kiss from Brendon McCullum
Australia were swiftly in trouble after
the loss of early wickets
hurling a stream of unnecessary abuse at Ollie Pope
being caught siphoning petrol for their team bus
‘dacking’ umpire Richard Illingworth
but soon recovered thanks to
stubborn
defiant
eccentric
too much
batting from Steve Smith and Marnus Labuschagne.
The pair saw Australia safely to
stumps on the first day
a record third wicket Ashes partnership
a nearby Nando’s recommended by one of Smith’s new mates at Sussex
before late order hitting from Mitchell Starc saw Pat Cummins declare
shortly before tea on the second day.
with the score 401/7.
that Starc would never be permitted to score a century on his watch.
In reply, the England openers scored quickly against
wayward
panic-stricken
an inexplicable spate of part-time
bowling, with Zak Crawley, in particular, compiling a predictable
duck.
half-century.
scrapbook of his team mates’ successes.
Spotify playlist called ‘Songs to Bazball to’, that he played incessantly in the dressing room until Stuart Broad told him to ‘turn that fucking noise down, Zak’.
England’s run a ball innings had Cummins searching desperately for a breakthrough, which he eventually found in the unlikely form of
Cameron Green.
Travis Head.
a passing lycanthrope named Roger The Werewolf.
The ensuing collapse brought England’s innings to a close, but not before
a carefree Mark Wood fifty.
Joe Root played one too many switch hits.
the name ‘Gilbert Jessop’ was invoked at least five times.
an unimaginably tiresome number of sandpaper jokes were made.
England’s small first innings lead was then swiftly wiped out by
Australia’s openers
Andrew McDonald hacking into the scoreboard mainframe
a Stokesian whim
and a
chanceless Usman Khawaja century
brazen Travis Head counter-attack
series of inexplicable third umpire glitches
dumbstruck crowd still banging on about sandpaper
saw Australia in a position of dominance late on the fourth day.
But just as Cummins’ men seemed certain to set England a fourth innings target that was
obviously out of reach
challenging for proper cricketing nations who showed an inkling of respect for the history of the game
both a palindromic number and a perfect square
, a blitz from Stuart Broad with the new
ball
Timothée Chalamet hair style
outswinger he had invented
ensured Australia were suddenly all
out.
in a dither.
having flashbacks to Trent Bridge, 2015.
on their collective high horse about English clouds and the Dukes ball.
Needing
more than 400 runs
the assistance of a large, partisan crowd
to justify the hype of Bazball
on the final day, England started
frenetically.
carefully.
singing ‘Jerusalem’.
to pee their pants a little in anticipatory excitement.
The accurate bowling of Cummins and Josh Hazlewood, however, ensured a steady fall of
wickets
England morale
bookmakers’ odds
before the England middle order was
spun
found
grossed
turned inside
out by Nathan Lyon.
Stokes, however, remained at the crease, and with the able assistance of
Jack Leach
Stuart Broad’s close personal friend, the Nighthawk
brazenly partisan home umpiring
edible cannabis gummies
he led an improbable, mad charge for
victory.
glory.
his inevitable knighthood.
With one ball remaining in the Test, one wicket in hand and two runs needed to win, the England captain fearlessly
crashed a four through the covers
reverse-swept the ball into his own stumps
declared the England innings closed
made a citizen’s arrest of David Warner
, an act he explained away in the post-match interview with Mike Atherton as:
‘We like to play positive cricket’
‘That’s Bazball, baby!’
the first rule of Fight Club.
England triumphant again!