Australia v India Fifth Test, Day Three Report Card

Featuring later seasons of M*A*S*H, Steve Smith heroics, forgetting Alyssa Healy, forgetting Sunil Gavaskar and insatiability

Later Seasons of M*A*S*H
Grade: D-

Australia swiftly dismantled the remainder of the India batting early on the third day of the Test, Scott Boland finishing with ten wickets for the match. Y’know, Melbourne was a great Test, but this spicy little minx of an SCG pitch has been fun, too.

Chasing 162 for victory, it was Sam Konstas who once again set the tone of the Australian chase. The youngster charged like a maniac at Jasprit Bumrah second ball, only to belatedly remember that Bumrah was still injured and it was, in fact, Mohammed Siraj instead. This realisation caused him to hesitate momentarily. But only momentarily.

Because much like the last four seasons of M*A*S*H, Siraj and fellow opener Prasidh Krishna then completely lost their radar, hurling down wides and drifting onto pads, where they were picked off easily.

After three overs of the Power Play, Siraj and Prasidh had conceded 35, and Australia seemed to be cruising to a win. Up in the Fox commentary box, Alyssa Healy voiced her approval of the tactic.

Healy being in favour of attacking opening batting? Huh. Who’d have thought.

Steve Smith Heroics
Grade: A-

But Konstas was soon out doing something stupid, and Marnus Labuschagne then followed his lead, bringing Steve Smith to the crease, on 9995 Test runs. He was the key to the entire run chase, as any student of history would tell you.

Australia lost the SCG Test in which Steve Waugh brought up 10000 runs. Australia drew the SCG Test in which Allan Border brought up his 10000th. But there was not going to be a draw here. Therefore, for Australia to win this Test, Smith needed to be dismissed for less than five.

The selfless Smith provided, caught well by Yashasvi Jaiswal in the gully for four from a ball that spat at him from a good length. Disgusting, unhygienic behaviour from the ball, and hopefully the match referee will look into it.

But the knowledgeable Sydney crowd, aware of Smith’s heroic work, gave him a standing ovation, as he trudged off the ground, surely pondering his future.

I mean, 9999 runs? That’s a fittingly Bradmanesque tally on which to retire.

Forgetting Alyssa Healy
Grade: D

To lunch, then, at 3/71, with those unaware of the significance of Smith’s wicket still believing the match was in the balance.

The Fox commentary team filled their time in the usual manner - first session summary, mindless Ashes banter, hard-hitting interview with Foxy the Idiot Six-Measuring Fox, etc. Had most of it muted, obviously, but I did notice at one point they had a segment on the best wicketkeeper-batters.

Did they mention in this segment the woman they’d been commentating alongside for a few Tests now? Y’know, the one who pretty much singlehandedly won two World Cup finals?

Ha ha ha! No, I’m reliably informed they did not.

Forgetting Sunil Gavaskar
Grade: F