Australia v Pakistan First Test Report Card, Day Three

Featuring failing medication, the Emperor of Perth and social media addiction

Failing Medication
Grade: F

Pakistan began the third day the same as they’d begun the first two, with some dreadful cricket. From the very first ball, Imam-ul-Haq, not content with almost running himself out on multiple occasions throughout his innings, attempted to run out nightwatchman Khurram Shahzad from the first ball of the day.

When that ploy sadly failed thanks to a wayward throw from Travis Head, Pat Cummins showed his new co-vice captain how to hit the stumps, smashing Shahzad’s all over the place third ball of the day.

‘Co-vice captain?’ I hear you say, in a sign that my medication is failing me, and the voices are returning, always returning.

To which I respond (non-verbally, because I’ve learnt my lesson on this front), yep. Before the Test, Head was promoted to co-vice captain alongside Steve Smith, presumably to ensure that if Cummins is ever injured, Cricket Australia has both a moustachioed and non-moustachioed replacement ready to step in, depending on conditions. Good planning from George Bailey, who’s not such a crazy fool after all.

In other news, Nathan Lyon, Mitchell Starc, Usman Khawaja and Watermelon Boy have also been named joint reserve co-vice-captains.