Australian Survivor Report Card - Brains v Brawn 2 - Episode 23

Featuring combinatorics, earnestipulativeness, jungle rat time, Australia v The World and untrustworthiness

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Previously on Australian Survivor: Myles planned a blindside. AJ was the target. And Zara zooked it.

Australian Survivor Report Card - Brains v Brawn 2 - Episode 22

Combinatorics
Grade: D-

In the immediate aftermath of voting out Kate, Zara apologises to Myles. But not a particularly heartfelt apology. More like a ‘hey, Myles, sorry I had to be so awesome back there, taking control of the game and ruining your big plan to blindside AJ’.

And she sits the boys down and makes them listen to how clever she was, walking them through her move in a jungle-made Powerpoint presentation cobbled together with bamboo, old pieces of tarp and coconut wipes.

“Hands up if you’re in a true alliance with me.”

This triggers a series of delightful scenes in which the Postgraduates head off in pairs to chat with one another and tell them how much they respect one another’s betrayals. ‘Oh, love that move for you,’ they all say, as their hearts Wiggum. ‘Appreciate the gameplay.’

Now, if you’re a student of combinatorics, you’re probably thinking that there would be six such conversations - after all, C(4,2) = 6. But what you’ve forgotten, nerd, is that Kaelan has gone off for a body surf. Didn’t account for that in your number crunching, did you?

Also, in a stunning final week plot twist worthy of the revelation that Kristin was the braid-winner of the merge tribe, we learn that everybody has been calling Kaelan ‘Baby K’ this entire game! What a season!

Earnestipulativeness
Grade: D+

Needless to say, each of these pairs lie to one another about everything. Myles, a slave to the factorial function, even tracks down Kaelan by pretending that he is an immunity idol (which, as the greatest immunity challenge winner in Survivor history, he kinda is) and explains to Kaelan the problem with AJ.

“AJ is so…”

“Earnest,” chimes in Kaelan.

“Yes,” agrees Myles, even though he was going to say ‘manipulative’. He pivots effortlessly. “He’s earnest and manipulative. I call him ‘earnestipulative’.”

A portmanteau containing the entirety of one of the conjoined words? Kaelan knows that Myles has absolutely lost it.

Kaelan therefore immediately summons the medical staff to see if Myles has had a stroke, and while they’re examining him, wanders off to find AJ.

AJ takes Kaelan aside for a very earnestipulative conversation in which the two of them assure one another that they ‘can’t lose’ this game. This is great news for them, since people who say ‘we can’t lose’ on Survivor are definitely always the people who never lose.

Jungle Rat Time
Grade: B+

Speaking of ‘can’t lose’ing, it’s time for the immunity challenge, a classic game of Rope ’n’ Toss ’n’ Climb ’n’ Jiggle. Amid all the lies, it’s mostly pretty clear that if Myles loses, he will be voted out.

‘Estimating lengths of rope’ is the closest we’re getting to a puzzle here, people.

So, of course he doesn’t lose, racing through the obstacle course like a jungle rat possessed! He’s first to the final ball-balancing part of the challenge, by far the trickiest part since it came so late in the explanation of what to do that nobody realised that you were supposed to avoid the giant holes on the paddle at the end of the pole and instead try to land the balls in tiny invisible divots.

But Myles calms himself, even as Kaelan storms over the ramp like a freakin’ velociraptor coming to devour his game, muttering the inspirational mantra that has the Survivor world abuzz: ‘it’s jungle rat time’.

#junglerattime

That one’s for you, Max.

Australia v The World
Grade: A-

You know who doesn’t have jungle rats? The rest of the world, that’s who. (Note: I am not a biologist.)

This is bad news for the non-Australian players who feature in the ad break promo for next season: Australia v The World.

So, I think it’s safe to assume that an Australian (one of King George, The Golden God, Shonee, Kirby, Luke and two randoms whose names I’ve already forgotten - let’s call them Shanella and Trinity) will win that season.

They would have had more players from US Survivor, but had to cut back because of tariffs. (Is that how tariffs work? I dunno, but then neither do the people implementing them. Political satire, baby!)

Bad news, too, for the international duds they’ve got coming over to play. Y’know, Tony, Cirie and Parvati from the US, and increasingly obscure players from the other franchises around the world, including one from Survivor: Westeros!

Untrustworthiness
Grade: D

But enough looking ahead. Time to focus on the now. With Myles immune, the others are all growing incredibly frustrated with how little they can trust one another due to how untrustworthy they’ve all historically been. They map out their options and then explain to one another why they can’t go through with those options because that option leaves them open to a counter-option from the other player if they don’t like the original option.

AJ, as usual, sums it up best. “Zara, I’m completely open to options, but of the two choices I have, there’s one I absolutely will not consider.”

Around about this point, Zara goes full Arrested Development, realising that in not voting for AJ the previous night, she’s made a huge, memeworthy mistake.

And, indeed, she has, voted out unanimously. But not before she gives her final tribal council speech. Sure, it’s not the final tribal council. But it’s her final tribal council. And that’s enough for her to make her pitch to the jury.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I urge you to find all three of these men ‘guilty’ of making entertaining television.”

Which she does. And then has her torch snuffed.

‘Sorry,’ says Myles. And it’s almost as believable as Zara’s earlier sorry to him.

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