Australian Survivor Report Card - Brains vs Brawn - Finale

Featuring torture racks, Flick, George and Hayley

Previously on Australian Survivor:

Flick was dazzled by the skilful sleight of mind that is Brains magic™, George found a Wai out of the final five vote, and Cara discovered strategy just in time to doom herself

Here’s my report card for the finale of Australian Survivor

Torture Racks
Grade: A

After twenty minutes of recaps for the casuals, reminding them who these three players are, we’re straight off to the final challenge. Turns out the producers have built medieval torture racks for the players. The racks contain spikes that will be lowered at regular intervals via a pulley system or some kind of Wallace and Gromit-style stop motion until the players quit, and/or are impaled and/or are crushed to death. Presumably at least a third of the spikes are poisoned as well.

God. Just imagine Emmett doing this challenge with that big shit-eating grin on his face.

It’s a fantastic death trap, a hybrid of something you’d see in the Saw movies and the old Batman TV show. (Related question: how would Adam West go against Jigsaw? Answers in the comments.)

But before JLP begins killing the players, their loved ones are invited in to watch their demise. Who will George’s loved one be? His dog? Macedonian Jesus? Cara? Albo?

Turns out it’s his mum. Flick’s boyfriend also comes out, as does Hayley’s (a different boyfriend). Hayley’s boyfriend takes one look at the challenge, declares that Hayley will win it and starts streaming The Lord of the Rings: Extended Edition trilogy on Netflix.

He only gets as far as The Battle of Helm’s Deep in The Two Towers. That’s when Flick drops out and Hayley wins immunity. (George bowed out around the same time as Boromir.)

Flick
Grade: B

No time to discuss who Hayley will vote out and who she’ll take to the end. Everybody knows that if Flick reaches the end, she’ll win. The only thing that can save her now is one of Australian Survivor’s Probst-forsaken twists.

Hayley has learnt the secret of devouring others’ pain to give her strength. Impossible, you might think but have you read her research papers?

JLP gets up to speak.

“Before you vote, Hayley, you will have to solve a riddle. If you get it wrong, the person you vote for will get to break an urn. If that urn contains a fire-making kit, they will compete against you in fire. If not, they will go to Redemption Rock, unless they have an idol handed to th—”

Hayley interrupts him. She knows that the answer to the riddle is to deny that it exists. Zen stuff from Hayley who therefore votes Flick out without further ado.

George
Grade: A+

So after a quick breakfast, it’s time for Final Tribal Council — George and Hayley. The dream match-up. It’s almost impossible for the two best players in a Survivor season to reach a final two together and yet that’s what we’ve got. Oh, sure, it took all kinds of horseshit from the producers to make it happen, but, as my pappy always says: horseshit washes off.

Despite a solid performance, George is in trouble at Final Tribal Council. The Brawns and Brawn-in-spirit Brains who occupy the majority of the jury don’t take kindly to the fact that he outwitted them, using tactics such as ‘lying’ and ‘deception’ and ‘playing Survivor’.

You’d have thought all that salt would be bad for their muscles. And maybe it is. I wouldn’t know. I’m not a nutritionist.

The rest of the jury has convinced Cara they’re doing a vote split

Perhaps the kindest words for George come from Hayley, who calls him ‘funny and charismatic’. Great tactic from Hayley, who knows that the producers could easily throw in a twist in which the final two also get a vote. No harm in trying for the clean sweep, even from her opponent.

Hayley
Grade: A++

It’s all part of an excellent Final Tribal Council performance from Hayley. She pitches herself as the Goldilocks contestant, not too Brawny, not too Brainy, but perfectly in the middle.

When Dani gets an extra question for some reason (she apparently found a ‘steal Wai’s question’ advantage on the way to the Final Tribal Council), Hayley manages to give the same answer as George (ie, “I lied to you because we were playing this game called Survivor”) but does so in a way that sees Dani’s sour-facedness level drop to a new low of 73%. A win of sorts.

Hayley calling placebos ‘fake treatments’ so that the Brawns understand what she does for a living is everything

Ultimately, Hayley gets the majority of the votes 7–2, taking home $500,000 in prize money and the title of Sole Survivor.

More importantly, however, we, the fans, will never have to sit through a Masked Singer ad again so I think we all know who the true winner is here.