Australian Survivor Report Card - Titans v Rebels - Episode 1
Featuring outsourcing challenges, not knowing people's names and dichotomies
The new season of Australian Survivor began before it even started, with JLP appearing on The Project desperately trying to (and failing to) explain the difference between a Titan and a Rebel.
“Look, nerd,” he eventually said. “I filmed an entire introduction to the season explaining this. Why don’t we just cut to that and the show?” And he snapped his fingers, and Season 9, Titans vs Rebels began.
Classic Titan behaviour from JLP.
Or possibly classic Rebel behaviour. Difficult to know for sure. Nevertheless, here’s the report card for the first episode of Titans v Rebels.
Outsourcing Challenges
Grade: D
The previously discussed introduction to the season begins, with JLP once again failing to clearly explain the differences between the two tribes. Eventually, he gives up and just stands there with his pecs while we cut to individual contestants explaining it themselves.
“I’m Viola and I’m a Titan because I’m bigger than a violin, but smaller than a cello.”
“I’m Alex and I’m a Rebel because I teach maths without using any numbers.” (“You mean ‘algebra’?” somebody pipes up, before Alex shushes them.)
“I’m Eden and I’m a Titan of pop culture, much like Yoda, the king of Gondor.”
And so on, and so forth, with more and more spurious reasons.
“I’m a Rebel because I’m the CEO of Rebel Sport.”
“I’m a Titan because I live on the largest moon of Saturn.”
Then it’s time for the first challenge, where in order to win fire, the contestants will have to set fire to a man made of straw.
“Ah,” says Eden, the pop culture Titan, who owns a movie studio or a box full of old VHS tapes or something. “Just like The Wicker Man starring Edward Woodward and Britt Ekland. Or perhaps the 2006 remake starring Nicolas Cage, also called The Wicker Man.”
But nobody on his tribe is paying any attention. They’ve outsourced their challenge-winning strategy to an accountancy firm, who suggests they form a chain, so that their speed at gathering the kindling from a needlessly water-based firewood rack will be limited by their weakest individual.
“Makes sense to me,” says Nathan, already the villainous idiot leader of the tribe.
So, of course, they immediately lose.
Not Knowing People’s Names
Grade: B+
The Titans also lose the first immunity challenge after that same consultancy firm suggests removing their strongest people from the heavy lifting portion of the challenge, as part of an organisational restructuring.
“Makes sense to me,” says Nathan, again.
The Rebels, meanwhile, are so rebellious that two of them are actually on The Amazing Race and have just boarded a flight to Singapore. Despite this, they win comfortably.
Nathan’s not too worried about losing the immunity challenge, though. He’s decided that the weak link in the tribe is Jess, a Titan, by virtue of being the greatest university lecturer in Australia.
Nathan pulls Frankie aside and explains that Jess is the target.
“Who the hell is Jess?” asks Frankie, who has spent most of the entire first episode trying to learn everybody’s name.
(Wholly relatable behaviour from Frankie, to be fair. If I were ever on Australian Survivor, I’d be on day 36 and unable to vote out my biggest threat because I didn’t quite catch her name on the first day and was too embarrassed afterwards to ever ask. The episode would end with JLP holding up my vote, which would read ‘Cheryl (?) (lady with the nose ring)’)
Nathan, by now, has already moved to other, punier members of the tribe and told them that Jess is the target.
“Did you hear how she was lecturing us?” he asks, as a justification for the targeting.
“Yes, but what a lecture!” enthuses Caroline.
Dichotomies
Grade: A-
Things begin to go pear-shaped (but a muscular pear-shape) for Nathan and his Bicep Brigade, when Eden, the pop culture Titan, joins forces with Mark, a Titan of diplomacy.
More importantly, Mark is bald, and therefore invisible to Frankie, a Titan of hair styling.
“I’m furious that we lost the first challenge,” says Eden. “Especially when I had this T-shirt made.” And he reveals that he’s wearing a ‘Save Feras’ T-shirt.
“Yes,” says Mark. “I say we—”
“It’s a reference to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, the 1986 classic comedy starring Matthew Broderick as the titular Ferris.”
“Understood,” says Mark, eager to get to business. “Now, how about we turn the tables on the people who think they’re in charge here?”
“Aha!” says Eden. “Just like the Best Picture winner of the 1974 Academy Awards, The Sting, starring Paul Newman and Robert Redford.”
“Yes,” says Mark, pinching his nose in annoyance.
And so the two rally the numbers, baffle Nathan at Tribal Council by referring to a ‘dichotomy’ in the tribe, and vote out Frankie.
Still, we shouldn’t make fun of Nathan for not knowing what ‘dichotomy’ means. I bet there are heaps of words he doesn’t know the meaning of.
‘Humility’
'Amiability’
‘Majority’