Australian Survivor Report Card - Titans v Rebels - Episode 5
Featuring poetic cheer, the Dark Knight of Gold Coast retail and Save Kelli Nathan lust swaps
Previously on Australian Survivor: Feras found a Lost hatch, wrenches failed to be thrown at contestants and Kelli flipped her vote
Here’s the report card for the fifth episode of Titans v Rebels
Poetic Cheer
Grade: B-
Sarah is inexplicably devastated after Tobias’s exit. Especially since it’s her birthday and Tobias was her cuddle buddy. “Who am I going to cuddle with on my birthday now?” she sobs. “Raymond?! Don’t make me hurl.”
Luckily, Kelli is there to cheer her up with a poem.
“There’s a very special poem dear to my heart that might mean something to you,” Kelli begins. “I can’t quite remember how it goes, but it’s about a gentleman from a little town called Nantucket.”
Over on The Titans, meanwhile, Jaden’s Gym is open for business. And, by business, I mean using his tribemates as weight stacks for his chest day.
Is this the secret chest Feras was talking about? Nathan wonders to himself (we hear his musings via Aileen voice over). No. This chest is no secret at all!
Meanwhile, other, less-interested-in-maintaining-a regular-workout-of-the-pectorals-and-deltoids, players (ie, Mark and Valeria) find the actual secret chest.
The Dark Knight of Gold Coast Retail
Grade: A
The reward challenge is up next, a very ordinary game of ‘Double Roped Idol Grab’n’Drop’. A classic.
The Rebels win and get a children’s birthday party as a reward, presumably based on the theory that maybe Sarah was only turning eight years old?
Anyway, at the party, a game of Pass The Parcel ends with all the Rebels getting backstories from home. The highlight of this is a young Garrick dressed as Batman. Yes, it turns out Garrick’s parents were shoplifted from as a child and, haunted by this unspeakable tragedy, he channels his grief and anger into a relentless quest for justice. And so, Garrick, the Dark Knight of Gold Coast Retail, uses his unique blend of physical prowess, keen intellect and loitering in the other aisle with a baseball cap on to combat shoplifters and instil fear in the hearts of the five-fingered discounting underbelly.
Save Kelli Nathan Lust Swaps
Grade: C
The immunity challenge, however, is won by the Titans, after Kelli infuriates everybody in her tribe by being unable to complete an ordinary, everyday ‘Drag Your Puzzle Planks Through An Obstacle Course Before Completing And Destroying The Puzzle’ challenge. (A classic.)
But the obvious solution of voting Kelli out is immediately forgotten when Feras is targeted by Kirby instead. Not only does this upset Feras (why would anybody deliberately make Feras sad?!? Look at those eyes!), it also proves a crushing blow for those of us who’d been invested in the prospects of a Furby alliance.
And it’s all pointless, of course, because the producers have given Kelli precisely what she asked for last week - namely, a chance to swap onto a tribe with Nathan, as part of a classic Australian Survivor Save Kelli Nathan Lust Swap.
For some reason, though, Kelli’s hesitant to go through with the switch, which also includes a mission to sabotage the Titans in the next immunity challenge.
Luckily, Scott has arrived on the show just in time to speak his piece. Expressing both unshakeable faith in Kelli being sufficiently shit at challenges to bring the Titans down, and genuine heartfelt empathy (“Let Kelli hook up with Nathan, you monsters!!” he rages), he convinces the rest of the tribe to vote her over.
Scott may have arrived ten days late, but he’s here now, and he’s magnificent.