Australian Survivor Report Card - Titans v Rebels - Episode 19
Featuring Best Actor Oscars, spa puns, Bachelor group dates, spikes and production goons
Previously on Australian Survivor: Raymond had an advantage, Raymond pretended to be depressed and Raymond won an Oscar
Here’s the report card for the nineteenth episode of Titans v Rebels
Best Actor Oscars
Grade: C
As we should know by now, there are absolutely zero repercussions for Raymond’s preposterous antics in the previous Tribal Council.
In fact, everybody is talking it up. “I reckon you’ll win an Oscar for that performance, Raymond!” says Mark, cheerily.
“Better get your acceptance speech ready,” chimes in Kitty, a beaming smile on her face.
“Oh, come on,” says Eden. “Good from Raymond, yes. But was it really a superior thespian effort to Cillian Murphy’s portrayal of the troubled titular genius in Oppenheimer (2023, dir. Nolan)? Or the nuanced dry wit of Paul Giamatti's performance in The Holdovers (2023, dir. Payne)? Or Bradley Cooper’s prosthetic nose in The Maestro (2023, dir. Cooper)?”
“Wait. Didn’t we vote you off ages ago?” says Feras.
“Zoinks!” says Eden, and fades back into the jungle.
Spa Puns
Grade: D-
Now it’s time, though, for a reward challenge, a classic game of Beach Bucket, that Alex effortlessly wins, earning him a spa day with a bonus lasagne feast.
Raymond, of course, spends the entire challenge thinking of spa puns, claiming that he wouldn’t want to be a ‘spa wheel’ on the reward, or that Alex looked like a ‘spa-tan’.
Needless to say, Alex wins the challenge and uses a random number generator to choose who comes on the reward with him (Kirby, Caroline, Rianna).
“Enjoy your spasagne!” shouts Raymond, as they leave.
“Okay, that’s enough, Ray,” says JLP.
“Or should that be… laspagne?”
Bachelor Group Dates
Grade: D-
Alex suddenly transforms the reward into a Bachelor group date, dressing in a robe, shaving his chest, swilling wine and vomiting all over the place. The usual drill. It’s a beautiful tribute to a lesser version of reality television and one that I hope ended with him giving a rose to all three ladies.
His plan is to… look, honestly, I’m not sure. He’s got a bee in his bonnet about Kirby and I think he wants to win her over so he can trick her and vote her out. Or something.
It doesn’t matter. Alex is too busy hurling up chunks of lasagne to make much progress and the women in the group instead decide to vote him out instead.
Should that happen more often on The Bachelor? You’d have to say: yes.
Spikes
Grade: A-
The immunity challenge is a classic game of Spike-Footed Hold-A-Weight, which JLP notes has previously taken an astonishing six and a half hours to complete.
But, as he goes on to explain, there’s no chance of that happening today, because the first (and only) thing he said in the challenge production meeting was three simple words: “Sharper fucken spikes!”
Everything proceeds more or less predictably after that. Rianna wins the challenge. Alex hurls up some more lasagne. Raymond suggests the spikes were as sharp as a ‘spa-ear’.
You get the idea.
Production Goons
Grade: C+
While the spa trip had been going on earlier in the episode, Feras and Mark had come together to discuss voting out Kirby. Now, Alex joins them to work further on this plan.
They spend several minutes hammering out the details before Raymond belatedly pops in with a new ‘spa’ pun he’s been working on.
“Hey guys,” he says. “Anybody want to hear my new spa pun?”
“Not now, Raymond,” says Feras. “We’re strategising.”
“Ah,” says Raymond. “But do we need to strategise, or can we do something more… spa-ntaneous?”
“Oh, FFS,” says Feras.
And he gives up on the entire scheme and instead goes along with Kirby’s plan to vote out Alex. Unsurprisingly, Alex leaves with some belligerent and noisy opinion-offering, possibly because he was still drunk.
“Oh no,” says Raymond, as Alex’s torch is snuffed. “I am wracked with de-spa-ir.”
And production goons escort him immediately from the game.