Australian Survivor Report Card - Titans v Rebels - Episode 7
Featuring doubly irritating pedantry, The Ritans, the mafia's good name and hits
Previously on Australian Survivor: Kelli swapped tribes, Mark destroyed a treasure chest and Jaden remained delighted by the show
Here’s the report card for the seventh episode of Titans v Rebels
Doubly Irritating Pedantry
Kelli has returned to the Rebels and has information for everybody.
First, she explains why she sat out of the challenge she was supposed to throw last episode. “It was going to be too obvious if I flubbed that challenge,” she suggests, perhaps overestimating her reputation for traversing obstacle courses. She then adds that her plans had to ‘turn on a dice’, which is just infuriating on two levels of pedantry.
She goes on to explain the Titans tribe dynamics in great, albeit slightly confused, detail, mimicking JLP’s ‘Previously on Australian Survivor’ intros for no immediately obvious reason.
“Previously on Australian Survivor, there were no alliances at Titans beach and everybody wanted to send Nathan home, so I unanimously organised the vote against him, but also didn’t get to vote. Also, I had to leave before I saw what happened, but I’m pretty sure that’s right.”
To be fair, Kelli somehow gets to the right conclusion, but only by taking perhaps the most confused journey imaginable.
Great foreshadowing for final Tribal Council, I assume.
Suddenly, though, it’s time for a tribe swap. Everybody takes it in turns to draw a new buff to slightly crazed cheering and applause, considering for at least half the buff draw there were precious few clues about whether the tribe a player was going to was better than the one they left.
Nevertheless, once that’s all sorted, JLP announces their new names (‘You are now the Ritans. And you, you’re… uh, you’re also the Ritans.’), which everybody ignores, as they head off.
Kelli welcomes a smattering of newcomers to the camp. “Welcome to your new home, guys,” she says. “I know what you’re thinking. Twister board is over there. Tournament is at 7pm sharp.”
Meanwhile, Scott takes Kirby aside and pleads with her to stop squabbling with Feras, because they have the numbers as long as those two don’t turn on one another.
Feras, perhaps sensing the tone of the conversation, sidles up and joins the two of them. “Team me up, Scottie,” he says, smirking.
(He’s been waiting to say that for weeks.)
The Mafia’s Good Name
Finally, it’s time for a challenge, another Australian Survivor classic, a game of Nine-A-Side ChuteBall Pass-A-Long (with Danglers).
Sadly, the prospect of both sides trying to throw the challenge to allow them to vote out the stragglers from the original tribes doesn’t come to pass.
Instead, the New, uh, Rebels (?) win. Not sure which tribe is which now, frankly. Regardless, the tribe that somehow still contains the entire Middle Aged Mafia is off to Tribal Council.
And, uh-oh, looks like there’s going to be a betrayal. Al Pacino must be turning in his grave to see the good name of the mafia dragged through the mud like this.
For Mark is planning a hit on Caroline. He chats with Viola, who, due to her lack of middle-agedness, is not officially part of Australian Survivor’s most feared organised crime syndicate. Nevertheless, they agree to delay the hit for one vote so they can split on Rianna and Sarah, who Alex has betrayed.
Caroline, meanwhile, sensing that trouble is imminent, is rallying Kitty and the ex-Rebels to turn things against Viola this vote.
They consult Eden, who is down the back of the jungle, rehearsing his lines for the six hour, one man show of the first two Godfather films he plans to perform at Tribal Council. “You have made me an offer I can’t refuse,” he improvises, before dismissing them with a Brandoesque wave of the hand.
Then, at the very last minute, while tallying up the numbers and walking through the scenarios, everybody suddenly remembers Jaden is still on their tribe. They hastily scramble for his predictably tickled vote (“You guys are acting like you’re in some kind of Scorsese movie? Like a de Niro or DiCaprio? That’s funny, bro.”) and head to Tribal Council.
As they arrive, JLP asks Mark how it feels to have a blended tribe. “Well,” replies Mark. “Many of the Titans have a rebellious streak. Just as many of the Rebels are titanic in their own right. You might almost say that the original tribe divisions were completely spurious and artificially manufa—”
“You shut your mouth, Mark,” hisses JLP. “You shut it good.”
And he angrily calls for the vote, which sends Viola home, amid great Mark confusion and Caroline delight.
Caroline claiming at the voting booth she birthed this blindside is one thing. Eating its placenta after JLP snuffs Viola’s torch? Quite something else.
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