First Semi-Final - India v New Zealand Report Card

Featuring angry demon emojis and show runners

Angry Demon Emojis
Grade: C

Before the first semi-final began, a minor kerfuffle erupted when it was revealed that India management had apparently asked the curators to switch the pitch to one that had been previously used on the basis that this would suit India’s spinners better.

It was a weird decision - and, frankly, one that you’d imagine the India players would be furious with. “Oh, come ON!! (angry demon emoji)” you can imagine Rohit Sharma frustratedly texting to his board. “We’re winning this tournament by miles, anyway. There’s really no need to do anything that will give other nations an opportunity to asterisk our pre-ordained lifting of the trophy. Just stay out of this. We’ve got it under control.”

If anything, India should lean the other way, giving other teams extra advantages, so that when they inevitably win anyway, there can be absolutely zero suggestion of any thumbs on the scale.

Call ‘Go fish!’ at the toss to ensure the other team wins it. Withdraw all appeals the first time an opposition batter is out. Play without a wicketkeeper.

That’s how you assert true cricketing dominance.