Great Forgotten Moments in Border-Gavaskar History - 11th January, 2021
A Paine-Ful Decision
A Paine-Ful Decision
WOMAN: (rushing into office) Did you hear what Tim said?
MAN: (looking up from plans) No?
WOMAN: He said ‘Can’t wait to get you to the Gabba, Ash.’
MAN: (startled) He said that to Ash?
WOMAN: Yes.
MAN: Ravichandran Ashwin?
WOMAN: Yes.
MAN: But…
WOMAN: I know…
MAN: Did Ash hear him?
WOMAN: I’m pretty sure.
MAN: (rubbing his forehead in annoyance) Why would Tim say that?
WOMAN: I think he was just frustrated.
MAN: (heavily sighing) Are we sure that’s what he said?
WOMAN: Very sure.
MAN: Maybe he said ‘Can’t wait to get you into ABBA, Ash.’
WOMAN: Why would he say that?
MAN: (mildly offended) Uh, because ABBA are a great band.
WOMAN: (curious) Are ABBA a band?
MAN: Of course they’re a band. They’re one of the biggest selling pop music acts of all time.
WOMAN: Yes, but are they a band? Don’t a band have to play instruments?
MAN: (defensive) ABBA played instruments. ‘Dancing Queen’ begins with Benny Andersson doing a descending glissando on his piano, for goodness sake.
WOMAN: Huh. Good point. (nodding) I guess I just always think of ABBA mostly as singers. Y’know, like a boy band. Except two of the boys are women.
MAN: (distracted by a thought) Wait. Are boy bands bands?
WOMAN: No. It’s a misnomer. Doubly so when you consider that many of the so-called ‘boys’ in these so-called ‘boy bands’ are, by any legal definition, men.
MAN: Frustrating, for sure. (smiling hopefully) So… ?
WOMAN: (confused) So… what?
MAN: Any chance Tim said ‘Can’t wait to get you into ABBA, Ash.’
WOMAN: (rolling her eyes) Uh, no.
MAN: None?
WOMAN: (emphatically) None. It was definitely ‘Can’t wait to get you to the Gabba, Ash’.
MAN: And Ash definitely heard him?
WOMAN: Ash definitely heard him.
MAN: So he’s ruined it.
WOMAN: I think so.
The man sighs, stands up, walks to the window and opens it to reveal the Gabba, overrun with dozens of members of an on-site event team putting up party decorations, blowing up balloons, mixing punch, auditioning clowns, etc
MAN: (shouting out window) Sorry, guys. Ash’s surprise party’s off. Tim spilled the beans. We’ll… I dunno, we’ll just play a game of cricket or something instead.
The event team immediately pivot to dismantling all the decorations, deflating balloons, unmixing punch and rejecting clowns.
Disappointed guests, already hiding behind seats and sightscreens and scoreboards, slowly stand and start trudging off, muttering to themselves.
WOMAN: You don’t think this is hasty? Maybe Ash just thinks he’s coming for a game of cricket, anyway?
MAN: Don’t be ridiculous. Ash isn’t an idiot. He’d have known the instant Tim opened his mouth that we had a surprise party planned. (sighs) And now it’s ruined.
WOMAN: (hesitates, then also shouts out the window) Keep the playlist going, please!
The event co-ordinator restarts the surprise party playlist. ‘The Winner Takes It All’ by ABBA starts playing.
MAN: (dancing sadly) Can’t wait to get you into ABBA, Ash.
