India v Australia Report Card
Featuring Aunt Abject Pessimism, Fraser-McGurk regret, the good news and talking up Virat Kohli
Aunt Abject Pessimism
Grade: C+
Australia and India finally began their World Cup tournament, four days after the opening match that had seen England totally stink up the joint, victims of a polite thrashing by those lovely and brutal New Zealand chaps.
But if you thought the defending champions’ tepid display there had been the ugliest thing England had inflicted on us during this World Cup so far, you had reckoned without modern cricket’s second-most loathsome intrusive force. (First-most loathsome? Those umpire reviews for caught behind that jostle their way into a check for a stumping.)
Yes, Jarvo was back! Running onto the ground, making a thundering nuisance of himself, attracting and absorbing the almost-tangible disgust of billions of cricket fans around the world, like some kind of semi-sentient, self-congratulatory diaper.
He was soon ushered off, but questions were quickly raised: How had he got through security? Why did this keep happening? How much do we all miss Andrew Symonds?
After all, if the MCC can waddle into action and, within ninety short days, clean out the three bad eggs who noisily ruined an otherwise cordial and respectful Lord’s reception for the Australians during the Ashes, why can’t they set fire to Jarvo?
Because, as much as we think we hate Jarvo now, imagine if he also released NFTs of his ‘best’ invasions. Ugh, how awful.
But Jarvo wasn’t the only English influence on this match. After their one (1) defeat in this nine-match, seven-week group stage portion of the tournament, many England fans immediately dove straight into the familiar, comforting arms of Aunt Abject Pessimism. Australian fans were not to be outdone, however, effortlessly surpassing that doomsaying even before their first innings concluded. The old rivalry continues.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Fraser-McGurk Regret
Grade: B
Pat Cummins won the toss and batted first, not willing to make the same mistake that Alyssa Healy had made earlier in the day in the women’s ODI against the West Indies. Great to see Cummins refuse to bowl India out for 83, dooming the match to an early finishing cakewalk.
Instead, Australia struggled to get their innings going, slugging along at around four runs an over in the first twenty-five overs. Did they regret not selecting Jake Fraser-McGurk, who just hours earlier had completed the fastest ever List A century from a mere 29 balls? In retrospect, yes.
They settled for a partnership between Steve Smith and Marnus Labuschagne - two batters who, to my knowledge, have never had a hyphenated name. (Although, if they were to do so, you’d imagine it would be with one another.)
The pair made their way to 2/110 after 27 overs, looking to build a foundation for a late innings charge, as per late innings charge foundation-building tradition.
There was plenty of talk about how well they were doing, given the tricky nature of the pitch. But seasoned observers of this Australian side in India were fully aware even at the time how foolish this would sound when India chased the eventual total in 37.1 overs, three wickets down.
Or, as it turned out, 41.2 overs, four wickets down (which was close enough, surely).
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The Good News
Grade: A
For suddenly Smith-Labuschagne was out, bowled by a snorter from Ravindra Jadeja. Shortly after, Labuschagne-Smith was also gone, feathering one behind from the same bowler, then taking a review with him for good luck.
(Pretty terrible reviewing from Marnus. Not the decision to review, of course (although that briefly got some grief from the commentary box, before Shane Watson undercut the negativity by pointing out that he was ‘certainly not someone to talk about reviews’. Testify, King!). No, Marnus clearly felt he’d missed it, and sent the decision upstairs accordingly. No problem with that. But the T? Way too horizontal. Just a punch of his bat. Must work on this part of his game.)
From there, the Australia middle order did their usual India thing, succeeding in both losing wickets and also not adding any runs.
In retrospect, a big mistake from Australia to not simply see off Jadeja, Kuldeep Yadav, Ravi Ashwin, Jasprit Bumrah and Mohammed Siraj.
It was left to Cummins to hit a few frustrated late order boundaries, prompting brief hopes he might save us all. (I mean this mostly in a religious sense - “Excuse me, sir. Have you heard the good news about Pat Cummins?”) Mitchell Starc followed his captain’s lead and Australia staggered to 199 all out in the final over, cleverly using almost all their batting resources. An outstanding innings, albeit one that wouldn’t really challenge India’s batting.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Talking Up Virat Kohli
Grade: C
For when Australia took the new ball, India’s batting was momentarily very challenged indeed. Before a single run had been added off the bat, Starc and Josh Hazlewood had snared three wickets. Two overs in, India were 3/2. (Or 2/3, if you insist. Whatever looks worse to your scorecard-reading eyes.)
It was enough to have many cricket fans saying: ‘Huh!’.
More importantly, though, it opened the door for the commentators to fulfil their quota of mandated Virat Kohli praise for the match. Because after the first innings, they were well off the pace, having amassed only 38% of their required plaudits, despite their best comic efforts in gushing about a routine slips catch.
(Here’s a tip, commentators: Kohli is an incredible player. Bravely resist the urge to shower praise upon him for, I dunno, his extraordinary ability to take guard or whatever. That way, when he inevitably does flaunt his actual cricketing prowess, it won’t get lost amid the mindless hero-worshipping noise. Just a thought.)
Anyway, Kohli proceeded to play a brilliant innings, sensibly keeping his cool and deflating any threat from a fired-up Australian attack. He combined with KL Rahul (the ‘KL’ stands for ‘Kohli Laudation’) in a 165-run partnership which, in a low-scoring match, was enough to ensure victory for India.
Oh, sure. Mitch Marsh could have caught Kohli when he skied one off Josh Hazlewood, with India still only having twenty runs on the board. But he didn’t, with Marsh instead panicking at the sight of a looming Alex Carey and failing to even get hands on the ball.
The dropping of Kohli in a small run chase and a duck while batting? Fair to say this wasn’t Marsh’s greatest ever cricket match.
Although, imagine if it was. That’d be wild, right? No runs and a dropped catch being your best ever game? Astonishing to think you’d reach the international level with that kind of record. Still, I guess it offers me plenty of hope for a call-up later in the tournament.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I’m hoping to do report cards on two or three World Cup matches a week. One a week will be out from behind the paywall (that’s this one). You can get access to the rest with a paid subscription (or by referring people to sign up to the newsletter - your choice).