India v Australia Sole Test Report Card, Day Three

Featuring TikTok claw challenges and linguistic gift exchanges

TikTok Claw Challenges
Grade: C

The third morning began with Australia swiftly bouncing out the last three India wickets, dismissing the home side for 406. They then began their second innings, desperately hoping to claw their way back into the Test.

Why was Phoebe Litchfield batting with a claw? Nobody knew. Probably some kind of TikTok challenge. You know how these Gen Z kids are, what with their pronouns and their unwillingness to look up from their phones and their ongoing irritation at having their planet being set on fire. 

BAD AI IMAGE OF: A Gen Z bear taking part in the TikTok Claw Challenge

Of course, before Litchfield could bat, she’d have to face a ball. And Beth Mooney wasn’t going to make it easier on her by giving her strike first up. ‘You’ll get to face a ball when I’m good and ready,’ cackled Mooney maniacally.

By which she meant third ball of the innings. So that was fine. The pair of them looked solid together, whittling away at the deficit, and getting to the brink of a half-century partnership before Mooney became the third opening batter in this match to be found short of her crease. Openers in this Test can literally just mess around running themselves out and have the best time.

Mooney’s run out came about by her dozily wandering out of her crease while the ball was still alive and then showing approximately zero urgency or interest in returning to safety, before looking startled as the stumps were broken. As you’d imagine, the Lord’s members, watching on their big screen in the Long Room, were furious, drunkenly throwing champagne glasses at the television set, rage-spittle dripping down their misshapen, drooling, ruddy faces as they tut-tutted their inbred disapproval, slurring their righteous, toff-nosed indignation that a cricketer would stoop to such heinous, ignoble depths.

Ha ha ha! No, of course I’m joking. 

As if the Lord’s members would watch cricket being played by ladies.