India v Australia Sole Test Report Card, Day Four

Featuring tenuous trains of logic and missing a trick

Tenuous Trains of Logic
Grade: F

Australia resumed on the fourth and final day of the Test, hoping for a Christmas miracle. Perhaps three wise tailenders could arrive, bearing gifts of sensible batting. Instead, Alana King could only offer a golden duck, frankly incensed that she didn’t score more.

She wasn’t, of course, the only Australian batter to struggle, just the one who provided the best opportunity to shoehorn in some sweaty gold, frankincense and myrrh wordplay. And, in a way, isn’t that the greatest gift of all?

I mean, where else was I going to go, Christmas pun-wise? Shepherds? I suppose shepherds are forms of gard(e)ners, what with the sheep eating grass and all. But come on, am I really going to inflict that tenuous train of logic on you?

A manger? Maybe I could talk about a mangy lead, but again, it’s pretty hard work. 

Following a (Mega)star? Lanning’s retired.

Virgins? I daren’t even speculate. Are you trying to get me cancelled??

No. Golden ducks, frankly incensed, and wanting more is as good an opportunity as I’m going to get, I’m afraid. Merry Christmas to you, Alana King.