India v England First Test Report Card, Day Two

Featuring outwitting the religious right and ancient riddles

Outwitting The Religious Right
Grade: A

As most people understand by now, Joe Root is the devil himself. He barely even tries to hide it anymore, proudly displaying two-thirds of the number of the beast on his back, playing it off as a ‘Route 66’ pun to keep the religious right in America from burning all his albums.

But we know.

Which meant that when Root was introduced into the attack for the first over of the second day, India were rightly concerned. We all laughed at Ben Duckett when, overnight, he’d claimed England were in a strong position after the first day. But he knew of Root’s diabolical powers. Like fools, we didn’t heed Duckett’s dread warnings.

BAD AI IMAGE OF: Joe Root summoning demonic clouds to Hyderabad

Root immediately caught and bowled Yashasvi Jaiswal. He then found the edge of KL Rahul’s bat, only for it to be dropped by the too-handsome-for-Test-cricket Ben Foakes.

A statement had been made, however. The writing was on the wall for India, scrawled in the blood of sacrificed Nathan Lyons. (Or perhaps paint.) Joe Root was coming for them, and they were doomed.