India v England Report Card

Featuring complete defeat, comedy mojo and checkmating Pat Cummins

Complete Defeat
Grade: C

Silly old England moved onto their next match against India, a team completely defeated in both a literal cricketing and psychological sense. 

Their previous match against Sri Lanka had been highlighted by dozy batting that would ordinarily have the Lord’s members up in arms, screaming red-faced, monocle-popping, drunken fury at the opposition. An England batter drifting aimlessly out of his crease, a ball gathered by an alert keeper, an accurate throw at the stumps. Y’know, the kind of thing that would typically have Stuart Broad rushing to the crease to shout ‘in’ at every opportunity, rallying the idiot masses to mindless and unjustified booing and jeering.

And yet England could barely muster the energy to be outraged by this gross transgression of the spirit of the game. They seemed not to even care that Adil Rashid had been dismissed without trying to gain an advantage. Nor that he was simply backing up as he’d been taught to do as a youngster. Piers Morgan was blessedly opinionless on the matter. No mention was made of the fact that, yes, technically, he was out, but wouldn’t it have been a lovely gesture for Kusal Mendis to call him back? Heck, as far as I’m aware, not a single interview has been planned with any of the players on either side telling and retelling the story over and over again until we all want to scream ‘Shut up! Shut up about it! Just shut up!! We’ll buy all your books if you please just! shut! up!!’

A side completely mentally gone.

And now they had to face India.