India v England Third Test Report Card, Day Three

Featuring sweepboys, playing like a goose and celebratory leaps

Sweepboys
Grade: D

England started the third day of the third Test with at least a one-third probability of winning the match. 

That alignment of thirds disintegrated when well-known Fab Four member Joe Root failed yet another ‘hitting the ball forward’ challenge and instead played a reverse sweep off Jasprit Bumrah straight into the hands of Yashasvi Jaiswal.

The wicket triggered a collapse of 8/95. Jonny Bairstow came and went within the space of the over, taking a precious review with him after he angrily demanded Ben Duckett give it to him: “You! Sweep-boy! That was right missing the stumps, weren’t it?” (As always, my accent work is impeccable.) “Uh, yes, yes, Mr Bairstow. It sure was, and no mistake. Please don’t hit me no more.” (Cut to a ball-tracking so plumb that Bairstow was off the ground before it even started rendering.)

Frazzled by Bairstow’s famed hatred for having to leaving the middle when he’s definitively out, and with Kuldeep Yadav turning the ball at non-Euclidean angles, Duckett followed soon after. Yadav’s deliveries were too good for the batter, too good for the stumps, and too good for wicketkeeper Dhruv Jurel. At one point, the best chance of intercepting them came from the fielding helmet, which it just beat on the way to the boundary for four byes.

Of course, if it had hit the helmet, that would have been another five penalty runs for England. Was that how they were going to bridge the deficit? Perhaps. Imagine if they’d brought up a century in penalty runs! Now, that’s what I call Test cricket.