Lord Exoptatus, Granter of Infernal Desires and Chief Wishing Demon of the Pacific Region, I Hope This Email Finds You In A Well
Well, well, well...
Subject:Â The broken bucket on The Tormenting Well of Twisted Longing
From:Â Malphor Depthswarden, Lesser Demon of Well Maintenance
Your Unholy Eminence,
I write to you regarding the bucket used to draw from the accursed depths of this abyssal pit of longing, which, as you are aware, sources a significant portion (11.4% according to the June quarter figures, up 1.2% year-on-year) of our operation’s ability to grant the darkest desires of mortals.
Unfortunately, during last night's waning moon, the rusted chains finally gave way, and the ancient pail plummeted into the seething pit below, severely impacting operations.
Without a reliable means to access the writhing maw’s depths, our ability to corrupt souls and spread misery across the human realm has been significantly hindered, and risks unraveling centuries of calculated torment.
Analysis from the Soothsaying Division (see attached spreadsheet, ‘Tormented Well - final calcs (3).xlsx’) highlights the paramount importance of bringing this void of cursed yearnings back online from not just a soul harvesting and reputational integrity perspective, but also as a strategic necessity to maintain our advantage over rival demonic factions, allowing us to subjugate them and consolidate our loathsome power.Â
I have explored three options for restoring the bucket system (see attached: ‘bucket options.pptx’), summarised below:
Forging a new crock of torment from the souls of the damned (cost-effective and in line with our sinister policies, but time-consuming).
Procuring a replacement bucket from the mortal realm (faster, but exposes our demonic agents to the unwelcome attention of humanity and the attendant risk of exorcism attempts).
Contracting an infernal blacksmith to craft a substitute bucket of diabolical cravings (costly in terms of our dwindling hellfire reserves, but the most expedient solution).
I await your malevolent guidance on how to proceed, oh Nefarious Director of Wishes.
Eternally Devoted,
Malphor Depthswarden,
Lesser Demon of Maintenance
Unholy Abyss Facilities Management
Covet*a*Curse Pty Ltd, Pacific Division
Confidentiality Warning: This message and its attachments contain unholy knowledge intended only for those who serve the infernal cause. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby cursed to eternal damnation, your soul condemned to unceasing torment in a pit of despair where the wails of the damned echo endlessly, and the searing flames of oblivion scorch away any semblance of hope or respite. Please notify the sender and delete the message.