Men’s Ashes Fourth Test Report Card, Days Two and Three

Featuring the Party Stand, not declaring and tag teaming

The Party Stand
Grade: F

For the second and third days of this Test, we were seated in the ‘Party Stand’. It was unclear exactly what kind of party we were dealing with, but based on many of the comments heard throughout the day, it was the kind of party you definitely hope never gains power.

For example, most of the second day was spent listening to a grown man shouting ‘CHEAT!’ at random intervals and with little discernible provocation. Did this become amusing after the 400th or 500th bellow? Alas, it did not. But kudos to this gentleman for giving it a red-hot go.

Could he have taken joy out of watching Zak Crawley and Joe Root put on a blistering double century partnership that swiftly overhauled the Australians’ total in the middle session and more or less ensured England could not lose this Test? Sure, perhaps some cricket fans might get enjoyment from watching their team do so thrillingly well. But does that really compare to the exquisite experience of being able to scream incessantly at Josh Hazlewood that he’s ‘a fucking prick’? Of course not. Cricket fandom comes in many forms and we should appreciate all of them. 

More delightfully, the third day saw this drunken conversation on the Tour de France emerge.

“Cycling isn’t a sport.”
“It is.”
“No, it’s fitness.”
“But they’re trying to get to a point faster than somebody else.”
“It’s fitness.”
“It’s literally a race.”
“Okay. It’s a sport. But it’s one I’m not interested in.”

Which was an amusing back and forth. Was it sorely lacking in speculation about how much of a cheating prick, say, Mitch Marsh was? Yes. But, again, that’s okay.