New Zealand v Australia First Test Report Card, Day One
Featuring blaring horns of shame, specifically invented rumours and very good boys
Blaring Horns of Shame
Grade: D-
Australia had, astonishingly, deigned to make the lengthy journey to New Zealand, for their first Test series over there in eight years. Excited at the rare presence of his baggy green visitors, Tim Southee won the toss and accepted the rare present of a bigly green pitch.
Despite the juicy conditions, bowling first was still a bold ploy, given that, apart from Travis Head (out of form), Steve Smith (new opening role), Marnus Labuschagne (also out of form) and Cameron Green (new role at number four), this was a very solid Australian top six.
Undeterred, Southee led from the front, bowling a front foot no ball for the first time since 2015 as he strained to take early wickets. Sadly, there was no siren to celebrate the moment, the unassuming New Zealanders, as ever, too polite to draw attention to such a minor front-footingly faux pas with anything so crass as a blaring horn of shame.
What they weren’t too polite to do was take 4/28 either side of lunch, to have the visitors suddenly in trouble at 89/4.
Keep this kind of stuff up, lads, and Australia might make it sixteen years before touring next time.
Specifically Invented Rumours
Grade: C
Doing most of the damage was Matt Henry, who would finish the day with figures of 4/43. It was Henry who took the wickets of openers Smith and Khawaja, either side of Labuschagne falling for a scratchy 1 (27).
Will Glenn Maxwell be replacing Marnus at number three for the second Test? You’re hearing it more and more.
(To be fair, it’d have been difficult to hear it less, given this was a rumour that I have specifically invented for the purposes of this piece.)
Henry would return later to pick up Mitchell Marsh, before rounding out the day by having Nathan Lyon caught behind.
It was a fine display of quality fast bowling. So fine, in fact, that the Australians, most of whom had attended a class on American Short Story Writing and Literary Analysis precisely for this reason, were heard to mutter ‘Oh, Henry’, before high-fiving one another for being so well-read, and making some (frankly strained) ‘Gift of the Magi’ references.
Very Good Boys
Grade: B+
Despite Henry’s blitz, Cameron Green stuck around, even as Alex Carey and the rest of the tail fell.
Before anybody realised what was happening, stumps were suddenly looming (this NZ time slot completely messes with my rhythm - I’m not even sure I realised we were in the final session of the day) and Australia’s favourite giant puppy cricketer was soon at risk of being stranded overnight just short of a century.
Or, worse still, as Henry dismissed Lyon with a snorter, at risk of being stranded not just overnight, but not out at innings end.
Showing the kind of lack in faith in Hazlewood that might, under different galactic, chronological and cinematic circumstances, be described as ‘disturbing’, Green therefore thrashed a trio of boundaries in the final over of the day to bring up his ton, like a very good boy indeed. He finished on 103*, with Australia 279/9 and the match nicely poised.
It had been pretty much a perfect first day of a Test match. Well done to almost everybody involved.
