New Zealand v England Second Test, Day One Report Card
Featuring not sticking to one's statements, less-peripatetic timelines and not being Nightcrawler
Not Sticking To One’s Statements
Grade: C
The Day of Infinite Test Cricket™ (England v New Zealand heading into Australia v India heading into South Africa v Sri Lanka and back again, like a never-ending möbius strip of bat-and-ball joy) began in Wellington with New Zealand winning the toss and politely asking England if they wouldn’t mind having a bat first, please, Bunjamin.
And so, in seam-friendly conditions, Matt Henry and Nathan Smith swiftly reduced the visitors to 4/43.
Zak Crawley top-scored among that first four, slogging wildly to reach 17 (23), including a six over long-off to end Tim Southee’s first over of the match. It was a statement of intent from Crawley. A statement written in bold, red, frenetic crayon, which he defiantly read to the assembled press corps huddle, regularly going off script to make other points as they scrabbled their way into his mind.
When Crawley was finally dismissed, bowled through the gate by Matt Henry, David Gower on commentary pointed out that Crawley was ‘not really trusting his defence’. Yes, in much the same way most of us are ‘not really trusting the tooth fairy’ to deal with the ramifications of our lack of dental hygiene.
Less-Peripatetic Timelines
Grade: D
In a slightly different timeline, I might have been at this very ground, watching this very match in person, rather than at home on the couch. Earlier in the year, the Test against Australia had been sufficiently delightful that plans had been made to return for this one, before unforeseen events trapped us in this annoyingly less-peripatetic timeline.
This timeline was frustrating with England collapsing to 4/43. But even more frustrating when Harry Brook went on one of his Nonsense Century Tears™.
Harry Brook is very silly and fun. Like a fake moustache or sticking googly eyes on a rock. A few months back, I, a naturally wary individual, finally climbed aboard the Harry Brook Hype Train (forced to stand because of how late I was boarding it, and because some of those awful Gen Z cricket fans are sprawled out all over the double seats, laughing obnoxiously as they share their skibidi toilet TikToks over their headphoneless phones or whatever it is kids do these days).
Anyway, the point is, that Harry Brook, demonstrating a complete lack of understanding of the match situation, suddenly peeled off a century at faster than a run a ball, thrashing sixes and fours everywhere like a goose. A goose blessed with precise, Terminator eyes and an array of shots that would make Hawkeye proud, to be clear. But a goose, nevertheless.
Because amid the thrilling batting carnage, Brook was still puerile enough that he could find time to fail to hold onto his bat at the non-striker’s end as the bowler ran into bowl, forcing a do-over. Or have his innings ended by trotting several steps down the pitch then stopping there and watching to see if the bowler, Nathan Smith, would run him out in his follow-through. (He did.)
A nonsense way to end a nonsense innings. He’s really making an absolute mess of the phrase ‘I will brook no nonsense’. (Shut up. It's a phrase. Read a dictionary.)
Anyway, good for Harry to get amassing vast quantities of southern hemisphere runs out of his system this year.
Not Being Nightcrawler
Grade: D-
One of the truly great #Bazball tricks is the way it seems to confuse certain commentators into thinking that scoring quickly is the end goal of cricket rather than (a very useful in its own right but nevertheless still fundamentally) a middle step towards the actual end goal.
For example, did you know that, despite what those commentators would have you believe, being bowled out for 280 in 54.4 overs is actually deemed of lesser value in determining who wins the match on the final scorecard than, say, being bowled out for 281 in 109.2 overs?
(Yes, yes, scoring quickly brings other benefits, which may ultimately make the prospects of the other team outscoring you less likely. Understood, Bazbacolytes! Calm down. This is precisely what I mean by it being a middle step towards an end goal rather than the end goal in itself.)
Still, my point is this: When Brook’s batting like that, I can almost forgive such confusion. Because it is a lot of fun.
But only almost. You’re paid professionals, people.
Anyway, with England all out for 280, I was forced to bid a fond farewell to this lovely, mad Test match and switch over to the equally lovely and mad Australia-India one. (To be fair, this would have been a lot harder to do in the alternative timeline I mentioned earlier. What am I doing, teleporting to Adelaide Oval? Am I Nightcrawler all of a sudden? No.)
All I could hope for was that nothing too mental would happen while my attention was Border-Gavaskarrily elsewhere.
Naturally, then, New Zealand collapsed to 5/86 at stumps (with Kane Williamson bowled off a no ball for some reason, before being out again a couple of runs later).
Thanks, guys. Real helpful.
