Pakistan v England First Test Report Card, Day Three

Featuring Cookie Monster v Scrooge McDuck and primordial 'oo's

Cookie Monster v Scrooge McDuck
Grade: B+

England scored all the runs on the third day of this Test. You may think you’ve seen batters score runs before, but it’s usually messy stuff; Cookie Monsters at the crease, nom-nom-nomming their way through their innings, crumbs of runs spilling all over the pitch.

(Yes, I went for the semi-colon up there. I even think I used it correctly. If not, don’t tell me. I’d rather be cluelessly ignorant than provably wrong.)

England weren’t Cookie Monsters on the third day of this Test, making a horrible mess with run residue. Instead, they poked around Multan Stadium, behind the bookshelf, under the couch (insert mildly outdated JD Vance joke here) and up in the attic, gathering all the runs together in one big pile.

Then, like Scrooge McDuck, they bathed in that pile of runs. (This doesn’t quite work, of course, given that a duck is a lack of runs, but let’s put our collective heads down and power through this fundamentally flawed analogy to the other side.)

VERY BAD AI IMAGE OF: Cookie Monster vs Scrooge McDuck

Sure, Pakistan might have got a wicket. Maybe even two. I dunno. Let’s say they did. 

But that didn’t deter the run-bathing.