Pakistan v England Second Test Report Card, Day One
Featuring composure and poise, shoot-outs and CHiPs
Composure and Poise
Grade: D
Pakistan took their first Test defeat with characteristic composure and poise. They added a whole heap of new selectors - most notably, former umpire Aleem Dar, who one imagines has his eye on the most Laws-abiding players in the country. They threw out all their seamers and stacked the team with tweakers, putting all their faith in reusing the same pitch as the first Test (presumably on the basis that a sixth through tenth day Multan pitch may have something in it for the spinners). And they also got rid of their best batter, Babar Azam, who has been having a poor run of form.
From the outside, this might look like panic.
But we all know Pakistan, right? Utter chaos and everybody going ‘oh, woe, oh my, what to do about Pakistan cricket?’ is a precursor to them comfortably winning their next Test.
Yes, it’s a cliche, but it’s also true.
For their part, England rested two of their three seamers, Gus Atkinson and Chris Woakes, swapping in Matt Potts and Ben Stokes. Brydon Carse held his spot because, as the old saying goes, ‘Azam is temporary, Carse is permanent’.
Shoot-Outs
Grade: B
The toss went the way of the home side, as the laws of Pakistan Chaos Theory dictate, and they batted first, immediately losing two wickets to Jack Leach.
At that point, the match appeared as if it was going to be a simple spinner shoot-out on an unplayable track. A great Test finish on day one (six) loomed. Perhaps it might squeeze into day two (seven) if Ben Duckett played like a lunatic and scored 81 (46) on a pitch where nobody else topped thirty. But the writing was on the scorecard. This was to be a low-scoring thriller.
Or maybe this was just understandable mindless panic at the sight of Leach taking two wickets in the opening hour. Because suddenly Saim Ayub and debutant Kamran Ghulam put on a century partnership.
(It is also possible that after the first two wickets, England bowling coach Jimmy Anderson ducked off for a round of golf.)
CHiPs
Grade: A-
Desperate, Stokes resorted to a series of typically wild Bazball tactics, including reverse swing, umbrella fields and not reviewing edges through to the keeper.
At one point, Joe Root, fielding at slip, moved so close to the batter that he was forced to don a helmet. He also found a pair of mirrored sunglasses that made him look for all the world like a California Highway Patrol motorcycle cop.
“Good afternoon, sir,” he could be heard saying to Kamran. “Do you know why we pulled you over?”
When Kamran shook his head in cultural reference ignorance, Officer Root informed him that he’d been ‘clocked doing a century in a spinning track zone’ and asked him to ‘step out of the crease, please, sir’.
Which he did, only to be bowled by a delivery from Shoaib Bashir.
Despite this brazen and monstrously outdated CHiPs-based ploy, Pakistan still finished the day on 5/259.
Operation Chaos Wins The Day continues tomorrow.