The 2024 Great Debate for the Vacated Position of Opener of the Australian Men’s Cricket Team
Democracy in action
Moderator: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to the 2024 Great Debate for the vacated position of opener of the Australian men’s cricket team. We’ve heard the five candidates’ opening opening statements. It’s now time to take questions from the floor. Our first question is for you, Cameron.
Cameron Green leans over and tries to adjust his microphone to the correct height, but instead succeeds only in clumsily snapping it in two. He smiles sheepishly and holds up both halves.
Cameron Green: (through screeching feedback) Sorry.
The crowd goes ‘awwwww’, and we hear murmuring such as ‘isn’t he adorable?’, ‘what a lovely giant puppy!’ and ‘he’s so tall!’
Moderator: That’s okay. The question was for Mr Bancroft, anyway.
Steve Smith: (interrupting) Yawn. Boring.
The crowd laughs.
Moderator: Please, Mr Smith. No more interruptions.
Steve Smith mimes an exaggerated ‘sorry’ face, mugging to the crowd, who continue to laugh. He follows it up with a little duck walk around the stage and the crowd applauds warmly.
Moderator: (ignoring Steve Smith) Mr Bancroft, in light of your poor polling numbers with Australian selectors between the ages of 45 and 65, and New South Wales fast bowlers between the ages of 30 and 40, is there anything you’d like to say to that demographic in particular?
Cameron Bancroft: Thank you for the question. What I would like to say is this. The only numbers that count are Sheffield Shield numbers. (He pauses for applause. It doesn’t come.) And I stand by my numbers at the top of the order. What this country needs now more than ever is experience. Experience in opening, experience—
Cameron Bancroft is interrupted by Steve Smith leading a ‘boring’ chant against him. The crowd joins in enthusiastically, as does Cameron Green, clapping his hands in excitement.
Moderator: You have a rebuttal, Mr Smith?
Steve Smith: Here’s my butthole.
Steve Smith bends over and points to his butt. The crowd laughs. He straightens up and leans his face into his microphone.
And here’s my rebutthole.
He bends back over again and shows his butt once more. The crowd whoop and holler.
Cameron Bancroft: Is this really necessary? I hadn’t even finished my answer.
Steve Smith: (pointing at Matt Renshaw) Just be thankful it’s not Mishap Matt doing the rebutthole. That could have got messy.
Steve Smith nudges Cameron Green who lets out a little smile.
Matt Renshaw: (protesting) That was one time.
Steve Smith: That we know of! (turning to the crowd) Can we really trust Mishap Matt, a known cricketing defecator, to open the batting, when he might evacuate his bowels at any moment? (pointing to a man in the crowd) What about you, sir? Would you want Mishap Matt opening the batting in your living room? (now pointing to a woman) Or you, ma’am? Do you want to be represented by an opening batter with poo all over their bottom? (not waiting for answers, holding his nose) Pee-eew! (now working himself into a frenzy) Of course not. Pooing in public is fine in a Prime Minister but it’s not acceptable in an opening batter for Australia. Am I right?
The crowd applauds in agreement.
Moderator: (attempting to maintain order) Your rebuttal, Mr Renshaw?
Cameron Green: (sheepishly) Take cover.
The crowd laughs enthusiastically at Cameron Green’s tentative witticism, as well as his comical attempts to then augment the gag by hiding his mammoth frame behind his lectern, an attempt that ends with him accidentally breaking it into several pieces that fall to the floor.
Cameron Green: Sorry.
Steve Smith ruffles Cameron Green’s hair and grins at the camera, knowing the clip will go viral. The moderator tries to ignore them.
Moderator: (persevering) Mr Renshaw?
Matt Renshaw: (putting on a face mask) I’m sorry, I’ve tested positive for Covid.
Steve Smith: Classic Mishap Matt.
The crowd laughs some more.
Cameron Bancroft: (angrily) I’m hearing a lot of snark and jokes from you, Steve. But I’m not hearing any plans about what you’d bring to the opening position.
Steve Smith: (leaning dramatically into his microphone) Hands.
Cameron Bancroft: (confused) Hands?
Moderator: (also confused) Hands?
Steve Smith: (nodding) Hands. (snapping his fingers) Somebody get me a blindfold and twenty-three bats from my kit.
Cameron Green: (jumping up and down, occasionally banging his head on the roof, but too excited to care) Ooh, I love this trick!!
Cameron Bancroft: I’m sorry, what? This is completely irrelevant, isn’t it? What does this have to do with established numbers at the top of the order?
Steve Smith: (leading a chant while being blindfolded by a beautiful assistant) Booooo-rrring. Boooo-rrring.
Steve Smith continues the chant. Once again, the crowd joins in, as Steve Smith’s beautiful assistant finishes tying the blindfold.
Steve Smith: Thank you, Patrick. Now, hand me a bat completely at random.
Steve Smith’s beautiful assistant does so. The crowd is once again silent.
Steve Smith: (caressing the bat) It’s number eighteen.
Steve Smith’s beautiful assistant shows the crowd the number of the bat. It is, indeed, number eighteen. The crowd explodes in frenzied applause, with shouts of ‘Yes!’ and ‘That’s the way it’s done, Bancroft, you bloody idiot’ occasionally heard.
Cameron Bancroft: I don’t see how this proves anything about whether he’s suited to opening the batting.
This time Cameron Green leads the boring chant, getting a little bit worked up and overstimulated, at one point falling off the stage and into the delighted crowd. before goofily clambering back to his debate position.
Moderator: Okay, it’s time for a commercial break. When we return, we’ll have the Toyota leaping segment of the competition. Before we go, however, is there anything you’d like to add, Mr Harris?
Marcus Harris: (quietly) No.
