The Cricket Australia Elf
A West Test miracle!
A Cricket Australia elf sidles up to a passer-by.
“May I interest you in attending the Test?”
“No, go away. You’re being a pest.”
“But I have two tickets right here in my vest.
We’ve got with the times, and made sure that it rhymes,
And that’s why you’ll find that the West Test is best.”
“It’s good to see that you’ve in some way progressed.
I like that it rhymes, and that you’ve got with the times,
But this Australian side is still one I detest.”
“Well, this is a problem that must be immediately addressed,
Cricket fans hating our side? Why, that makes us depressed.
They’ve won all the trophies and retained the urn.
What more must they do for your opinion to turn?”
Do you want to know why I remain so unimpressed?
And why I shan’t attend your precious West Test?
(Even though it rhymes, because you’ve got with the times.)
If I didn’t know better, I’d think this a jest,
But step back, for I’ve concerns to get off my chest:
That Pat Cummins chap is an ordinary bloke,
Always knifing JL, or doing a ‘woke’.
He’s supporting The Voice, and taking a knee
He loves solar power and hugging a tree
Why I’ve even heard he has a business degree!
That kind of captain is not for me.
But it’s not just the skipper who I can’t abide
I’m equally scornful of the rest of the side.
David Warner has chosen his retirement date
Overruling the selectors? That’s something I hate.
Travis Head is okay, he’s got a cool mo.
But he’s not sole vice captain? He’s only a ‘co’?
Smith and Marnus are weirdos, I don’t think that’s too harsh.
And Cameron Green’s out of the side, replaced by Mitch Marsh?
Mitch Starc has a mansion on Sydney Harbour
Lyon’s too bald, and Carey won’t pay his barber
Josh Hazlewood’s surname is too hard to spell
It’s an ‘l’, then an ‘e’, when it should be an ‘e’, then an ‘l’.
But most distressing of all is the fresh news
That Usman Khawaja has words on his shoes!
I will not abide that, for that I won’t stand,
Shoes should be like cricketers, empty and bland.
“I see you have strong opinions about being our guest.
So I shall put these free tickets right back in my vest.”
”Wait! At no point did you mention the tickets were free!
That changes everything. Now give them to me.”
The Cricket Australia elf does so and dances a triumphant jig.
Merry Test Day, one and all!
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