Undeath of a Salesman

On the streets of suburban Transylvania, a travelling salesman walks up a driveway, past a slew of discarded coffins and rings the doorbell

On the streets of suburban Transylvania, a travelling salesman walks up a driveway, past a slew of discarded coffins, and rings the doorbell. A tall and angular woman opens the door.

“Yes?”
(doffing hat) “Good morning, ma’am. Roy Renfield from Transylvania Alarm Systems. May I come in?”
“Certainly not.”
“Of course, of course. Then may I interest you in a quick demonstration of our state-of-the-art burglar alarm?”
“Don’t need one.”
“You may think that now, and that’s understandable. Certainly none of us like to think that the worst might happen, but — ”
“Nobody’s breaking in here.”
“Well, you can certainly make sure of that with a Burglar-B-Gone 2000, with its integrated — ”
“No, I mean vampires can’t enter folks’ houses unless they specifically invite them in, like. That’s, y’know, canon.”
“Ah.”
“So, y’see, I can’t be robbed by no vampires.”
“Ah.”
“Because I don’t invite none in.”
“Yes, yes. I see. Hmmm… ”
“Have you sold many of these alarms?”
“Uhhhh… no. Not that many.”
“I’m not surprised. It’s the wrong market, innit?”
“We’re proud to be a local business, ma’am, servicing the local community.”
“That may be, but what you need is to be selling in an area where burglars can come in uninvited, like. Where your alarms have some kind of purpose for existing.”
“Yes… Hmmm… What about… what about human burglars?”
“Breaking into my house?”
“Yes. The alarm could protect you against them.”
“I’ll be upfront with you, Ray — ”
“Roy.”
“Roy. I’d outright welcome some human assistance in defending my home against the nightly charges of the undead. What with my Dave out every night with the lads at the Rat and Spider, drinkin’ ’til all hours.”
“I see. Um, then maybe I can interest you in a, uh, a vampire detector?”
“Well, y’see, this is just a smoke alarm with the word smoke covered in masking tape and ‘vampire’ written over the top of it.”
“Uh, yes. It detects vampires who are currently in the form of smoke.”
“No, I don’t need that, neither.”
“I see. Of course. Because you don’t invite them in, regardless of the form they take.”
“Now you’re getting it.”
(sighing) “I must say this is all very disappointing. I feel as if I need to reassess my life choices. May I come in and have a cup of tea?”
(slamming a crucifix into his forehead) “Begone, vile creature!”
“Ow.”

They stare at one another for several long and awkward moments before he heads back down the driveway and over to the house across the road. He knocks forlornly on their door.