A Statement to the Press from Legal Counsel Representing Messrs. Renshaw, Harris, and Bancroft

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, and fellow enthusiasts of the great sport of cricket.

BAD AI IMAGE OF: The press conference

I stand before you, representing my esteemed clients, Messrs. Renshaw, Harris, and Bancroft, distinguished Sheffield Shield openers of unblemished reputation, who have convened to formally announce their initiation of legal proceedings against Mr. George Bailey, acting in his official capacity as Chairman of Selectors for the Australian Men’s Cricket Team. My clients’ objective, by way of these legal proceedings, is to ensure that the pivotal opening position within the Australian men's Test side, currently held by the esteemed Mr. David Warner, is occupied henceforth by an individual whose qualifications are unequivocally meritorious.

Allow me to draw a parallel from the annals of televised entertainment. When the esteemed actress Ms. Shelley Long concluded her tenure on the program Cheers at the end of its fifth season, she was not replaced by an extant member of the ensemble, such as Ms. Rhea Perlman. No, the role of Sam Malone's on-again, off-again love interest necessitated a specialist performer. Enter Ms. Kirstie Alley in the role of Rebecca Howe, whose comic portrayal, characterised by moments of scattered vulnerability, enabled the show to endure and flourish for an additional six seasons. It was, indubitably, a wise and legally defensible decision.

In much the same way, it would be imprudent, and we contend, a potential encumbrance upon the principles of fair competition, to allow the forthcoming vacancy in the opening position of the Australian men’s cricket team to be occupied by an unqualified neophyte bereft of the requisite skill set, acumen, and experience requisite for the role. For this reason, my clients have also petitioned for a restraining order against Mr. Cameron Donald Green, with the purpose of precluding him from asserting any further claims to the aforesaid position.

Consider the impertinence of Mr. Green, who, buoyed by youthful exuberance and a towering stature, dares to encroach upon the hallowed precincts of opening, without the requisite competences, the essential skills or the sagacity born of maturity. 

Yes, Mr. Green’s cocksure audaciousness may dazzle some, perhaps seeing within him the manner of a young Mr. Woody Harrelson in the role of Woody Boyd. However, it bears emphasising that even Mr. Harrelson, himself, was cast with precision, fulfilling a specific role by replacing Coach as Sam's fellow bartender, following the tragic death of Mr. Nicolas Colasanto. Woody's introduction was not intended to supplant the role of Norm, for example, or Cliff, or Diane. Neither should Mr. Green be afforded the opportunity to replace Mr. Warner.

We therefore urge Mr Green to cease and desist all claims to the soon-to-be vacated opening position. And, to be clear, this should not be considered a mere instance of professional rivalry or competition, such as, for example, in any of the memorable ‘Bar Wars’ episodes in later seasons, in which our beloved cast of characters engaged in friendly, and sometimes not-so-friendly, rivalry against the regulars at Gary's Olde Towne Tavern. 

No, my clients maintain it would be an affront of cataclysmic proportions were Mr Green to be given a chance to open in a two-Test series against the West Indies and use that opportunity to parlay the role into a career spanning several decades.

To some, these concerns may elicit skepticism. Yet, consider the case of Mr. Kelsey Grammer, originally slated for a brief stint as a love interest for Diane in the third season. Instead, he turned the role of eminent psychiatrist Dr. Frasier Crane into not just an indispensable member of the ensemble for the remainder of the original series, but also headlined a critically acclaimed spin-off series that spanned eleven seasons of its own before recently undergoing an ill-considered revival.

My clients are resolute in their determination to avert the recurrence of such a scenario following Mr. Warner's departure. They, therefore, implore the courts to adopt an attitude akin to that of Ms. Bebe Neuwirth about to commence a scene in the fourth or fifth season and take ‘stern action’. 

(chuckles)

Yes, I am obviously aware that Ms. Neuwirth played the character of Dr. Lilith Sternin (and, later, Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane), but do not let the absence of a single syllable in my wordplay divert your attention from the merits of this case.

This is no Cliff Clavin balderdash, the ramblings of a know-it-all postal worker with a variety of undiagnosed social disorders. It is, instead, unequivocally, a bona fide and legitimate claim, and on behalf of my clients, I ardently implore Cricket Australia and the courts of the land to accord it the level of full attention you would give to a binge rewatch of one of the most popular and critically acclaimed sitcoms of the twentieth century.

Cheers.