Australia v India Fifth Test, Day Two Report Card

Featuring runaway portmanteaus, brinks of ten thousand Test runs, truancy and Pantics!

Runaway Portmanteaus
Grade: D

With the Gabba having stolen the duties of Weather Affected Test for the summer, Sydney’s traditional rain was replaced by a speeding portmanteau of the same, barreling along the tracks, unable to be stopped, destined to inevitably crash to a dramatic conclusion.

The only question that remained was which side would crawl bloodied and ruined from the wreckage, holding aloft the Border-Gavaskar Trophy.

The day’s play began with Sam Konstas doing all the things we’ve already come to expect from Sam Konstas - advancing down the pitch, reverse scooping, infuriating the opposition, not quite making as many runs as you’d hope.

He was so frenetic that by the time he was dismissed, caught at slip from the bowling of Mohammed Siraj, the sight of Travis Head coming to the crease seemed a promise of tranquility and calmness.

Of course it wasn’t, Siraj removing him almost immediately too, as Australia fell to 4/39.

Brinks of 10,000 Test Runs
Grade: D-

Luckily for Australia, Steve Smith and Beau Webster came together, like Butch and Sundance (or, if you prefer, Marty and Doc) clambering over the top of the carriages towards the engineer’s cab, ready to swing in, take control and order the Test to a halt.

Smith seemed to have found not just his hands but also his eyes (Webster spotted them cheekily hidden on top of Cameron Green’s dressing room locker), racing to the brink of 10,000 Test runs. But just as he looked to devise a five to reach the milestone, Prasidh Krishna had him caught at slip. 5/96.

No matter. Here’s Alex Carey to have a stab at slowing down this Test. Nope. He’s out too, bowled through the gate by Krishna coming around the wicket. 6/137.

Over to number three all-rounder in the world, Pat Cummins, then, launching his new website (Pat Cummins cover drive erotic fan fiction dot com). But just after his launch party, Cummins was caught in the slips by Virat Kohli off the bowling of Nitish Kumar Reddy. 7/162.

And so on.

What you may have noticed is that none of those wickets fell to Jasprit Bumrah. That was because Bumrah’s body opted out of the second and third sessions of the day’s play, the stand-in India captain being whisked off to hospital for mysterious scans.

At the time, it felt like an opportunity for Australia to pounce and take control of the Test. But with the other bowlers chipping in to bowl Australia out for 181, four short of India’s first innings total, it raised a bigger question.

Had Bumrah been holding India back this entire series? Sadly, all available evidence suggests: yes.

Truancy
Grade: F

India began their second innings in a flurry, Yashasvi Jaiswal hitting Mitchell Starc for four fours in the first over. In many ways, Jaiswal reminds me of a young Sam Konstas. Not least in how he was dismissed for 22, once Scott Boland arrived on the scene.

Boland had already bowled KL Rahul by that point, and followed up by getting rid of Kohli as well, who, unsurprisingly, edged one straight to slip. Kohli has been caught in the corridor this series more often than a Maths class truant skulking off for a clandestine durry.

India 3/59, a lead of 63, with Boland claiming all three wickets. Once again, the cry went out: ‘Build the man a statui!’ (ie, a statistics user interface with which we can break down his bowling record in further detail).

Pantics!
Grade: A