Australian Survivor Report Card - Brains v Brawn 2 - Episode 12
Featuring Jedi Knights, destroying biceps, checking shelves and snake oil
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Previously on Australian Survivor: Covens were reborn, scrolls were manifested, and covens were dismantled
Jedi Knights
Grade: B+
Zara shows up at New Brawn and tells everybody the thrilling story of how she got to leave New Brains and rejoin most of her Graduates colleagues.
“Graduates,” mutters AJ, doing his best Obi-Wan Kenobi expression. “Now, that’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time.”
Zara and Karin and Logan and Kaelan all embrace. Even Paulie joins in, because, why not?
“A long time…” continues AJ, who’s beginning to go completely off the deep end. (The AJ stands for ‘Artificial Jedi’.)
Over on The New Brains tribe, meanwhile, Laura’s still fuming. “I can’t believe Zara did me dirty like that,” she says. “Now I’m bottom of the tribe.”
“Ha ha ha,” laughs Jesse (or possibly Ben). “But, seriously. No. There’s still Myles here.” And he points to Myles, who’s sitting in between them. (This is not an exaggeration for comical purposes - this conversation actually happened.)
So, Myles wanders off and finds an idol using his powers of, uh, data analysis (?). Myles explains in confessional how this is better than his previous idol, because nobody knows about it. But, also, because he’s Myles and still incapable of talking in anything less than a full shout, everybody on both tribes (and also over in the current season of US Survivor) almost certainly overhears him.
Destroying Biceps
Grade: F
Off to the immunity challenge, a classic game of Slide’n’Wrestle Quoits. Zara and Laura immediately start spitting side eye hatred at one another, despite Laura ostensibly claiming she’s ‘very happy’ about how the vote went last night. I’m gonna be honest, this entire season has me pretty hesitant about ever joining a coven.
To ease the tensions between the two, Kaelan accidentally tears PD’s bicep apart. But this medical emergency only halts the simmering resentment for a moment, so after PD is taken away to get his arm cybernetically replaced, JLP declares the contest between Kaelan and PD a draw and orders a rematch. This time, however, it’ll be between Laura and Zara so he can see just how dangerous this challenge really is.
Poor old Kaelan is too upset to even question this ruling (come on, JLP - he tore PD’s arm in two - that’s gotta be worth a point), and nobody else seems willing to point out that ‘hey, isn’t this just for a bowl of spaghetti?’, so Laura casts a spell of Beyonce’s Vigour, and wins.
Checking Shelves
Grade: D
The reward challenge is one of those awful ones where you take it in turns, so that everybody can put their hands all through the food, searching for idols.
Myles is forced to go second-last, yet somehow is the only person to find the clue to the idol. ‘Check the shelf!’ the clue reads. And Myles scurries over to the shelf and pokes around. But, alas, doesn’t find anything. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, since the clue actually reads ‘Check the shelter!’
Not that Myles’ sloppy comprehension skills matter one iota. Because as soon as they get back to camp, Jesse (or possibly Ben) orders him to fix the roof of the shelter, and so he immediately finds the idol anyway.
Oh, Myles, you magnificent, skim-reading idol hound. (I mean, technically, it’s not an idol - it’s a ‘Steal an Idol’ advantage, which is more or less the same thing, except you get to piss somebody else off while using it.)
Over on New Brawn, Zara has checked in with AJ, and is relieved to learn that she’s on ‘exactly the same page’ as him when it comes to who to vote out next. Frankly, I’d be very worried about this. Hesitant about being in the same book, in fact.
Karin, meanwhile, proposes that as payback for AJ’s nonsense, they might just throw a few votes his way next time. To hopefully scare him straight. Zara checks with Kaelan what he thinks about all this, and the K-Dog effortlessly summarises what he, and the entire Australian Survivor-viewing audience, thinks about AJ.
“I love AJ, but he’s crazy.”
Absolutely bloody nailed it.
Snake Oil
Grade: A
Time for the immunity challenge, a classic game of Taut Rope Tower Build.
How many biceps can this challenge destroy? Very few, as it turns out, although JLP does at one point mention how maintaining tension is critical in this challenge. Which is great news for Zara and Laura.
In the end, it’s Laura’s tension that proves triumphant, as her New Brains tribe wins immunity, sending New Brawn back to Tribal Council.
There’s the usual spirited scrambling back at camp. Zara wants to vote out Logan, then Paulie. (‘Wait,’ says Kaelan. ‘We’re voting out Logan Paul?’) Karin wants to vote out Paulie, then Logan. (‘Wait,’ says Kaelan. ‘We’re voting out Paul Hogan?’)
AJ tries to take a back seat, but is also quick to point out that Paulie is a ‘snake oil salesman’. Although, admittedly, it’s unclear why this should be held against him. What about these online snake oil services? $9.95 a month, a box of snake oil delivered to your door - variety of snakes, variety of oils. Get 20% off if you buy an annual subscription. Hard to say no.
Paulie, meanwhile, tries to convince Kristin to play her idol on him because otherwise Myles will steal it from her anyway come merge.
With everything still up in the air and the episode running deep into overtime, they show up to Tribal Council.
JLP looks up from his bowl of spaghetti. “Ohmggmhh,” he says, mouth full. He wipes sauce from his lips. “What are you guys doing here?”
“Uh, Tribal?” says Karin.
“Ah, right,” says JLP, belching. “Nah, Ben quit. Or possibly Jesse.” He thinks about it for a moment. “No, definitely Ben. Go back to camp.”
“I wonder if he means old Ben Kenobi,” muses AJ.
“Seriously, man,” says Kaelan. “Drink more water.”
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