Australian Survivor Report Card - Titans v Rebels - Episode 2
Featuring exasperating blindsides, Gwyneth Paltrow's head, TikTok pranks and The Invisible Hand
Previously on Australian Survivor: Dubious definitions of Titans and Rebels were proffered, names were forgotten and Nathan was unaware of dichotomies.
Here’s the report card for the second episode of Titans v Rebels
Exasperating Blindsides
Grade: C
In the aftermath of the previous evening’s blindside, while those cocky Rebels are building human pyramids, Nathan is rightfully exasperated that the opposing alliance in his tribe didn’t give him a heads up they were going to blindside him. Or, for that matter, a heads up they even existed.
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“Pretty unfair Survivor play, if you ask me,” he moans to camera. “And now Frankie, who was like a sister to me, is dead.”
The producer interviewing him explains that the show’s name is not meant to be taken literally, and that Frankie is, in fact, very much alive.
“I know that,” lies Nathan. “You didn’t let me finish. What I was going to say was that Frankie, who was like a sister to me, is, dead-set, somebody I might have totally banged.”
He smiles.
“Now, don’t edit around that to make me look like an idiot,” he continues.
The producer gives him a thumbs up.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s Head
Grade: B+
Suddenly, however, it’s time for a tug-of-war.
The rules of this reward challenge are simple. Players from each tribe will pull on a rope with a crate in the middle (a ‘crate-rope’ as it’s known in reality television circles) and whoever pulls it to their side wins whatever’s in the crate.
“I hope it’s not Gwyneth Paltrow’s head,” quips Eden. “As in Se7en (1995), directed by David Fincher and starring Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman and (redacted).”
And somehow he says it with spoiler tags around the ‘Gwyneth Paltrow’s head’ bit. He really is a pop culture Titan.
But the crates don’t contain Gwyneth’s head. Nor other famous iconic media items such as the Ark of the Covenant (Raiders of the Last Ark (1981, dir: Steven Spielberg) or King George (last season’s Australian Survivor).
It’s instead things like bananas and marshmallows.
Barely worth strategising over. Not that this prevents Garrick, a loss prevention officer under cover as a Rebel, who comes up with this next level plan: “As soon as he says ‘go’, we go.”
It’s brilliant stuff - really showing the kind of strategic thinking that Survivor is built on. Having said that, it’s also, y’know, a tug of war, so the stronger side (ie, the Titans) wins.
TikTok Pranks
Grade: F
Back at camp, we learn the story of Winna. (“Whoa,” says Eden. “Spoiler tags on the name, please, dude.”)
Winna is a rare double Titan! A Titan of TikTok pranks and a Titan of eating lots of food really fast. So, one of the pieces of glue that holds society together.
But Winna’s skill set means it’s no surprise that he’s devouring those bananas like nobody’s business (and, ideally, in a fashion that will go hilariously viral once the episode airs).
On about the eleventh banana, he finds a clue inside. Which raises the question of how many idol clues he’d eaten in the previous thirty seconds. Nevertheless, we then see Winna claim the idol, before flashing back for a scene from his pre-Survivor career.
Winna: (rushing up to an oblivious bystander in a department store, handing them a banana) Can you pretend to be eating this and you find an immunity idol clue? Also, you’re Chinese for some reason. It’s for TikTok.
Garrick: (arrests him)
Australian Survivor Producer: (recruits them both)
The Invisible Hand
Grade: F
Then there’s an immunity challenge involving crawling through twisted nets (Eden: “I haven’t seen a net that twisted since Sandra Bullock in The Net (1995)”) and throwing coconuts into buckets that the opposing tribe needs to hold in the air.
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A classic.
So, of course, the Titans don’t put their two strongest players on the brute strength portion of the challenge, and lose. They may be stupid, but, on the other hand, they’re also incredibly stubborn.
Off to Tribal Council, then. Jess inexplicably wants to target Eden, which gets Mark concerned. Mark has dubbed his alliance with Eden, ‘The Invisible Hand’.
“Ah,” says Eden, like the hand of Chevy Chase in Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992), also starring Daryl Hannah.”
“Sure,” says Mark. “If you like.”
“Or do you mean more like a muppet’s guts?”
“It really doesn’t matter.”
The point is that The Invisible Hand targets Jess, who spends most of tribal council explaining every single nuance of her plan, much to Nathan’s delight.
“See?” he says. “Isn’t it nicer when the blindsides are out in the open?”
But the Invisible Hand (and, hey, let’s all give Mark an inaudible hand for coming up with the worst alliance name in Australian Survivor history) still has one more trick up their sleeve. They send Jess home, but not before splitting the vote on Nathan as well to guard against a possible idol play.
“Oh, no,” says Nathan. “How dichotomistic!”
Still, bananas and splits this episode? Well played, Australian Survivor. Well played, indeed.