Australian Survivor Report Card - Titans v Rebels - Episode 12
Featuring Kelli's son's birthday, modern stone age families, unobtainium and meerkats
Previously on Australian Survivor: Valeria was immoone to Feras’s charms, Eden was playing Charades and nobody could lean like Aileen
Here’s the report card for the twelfth episode of Titans v Rebels
Kelli’s Son’s Birthday
Grade: A
We begin the episode with Alex, having made his way to New Titans beach, lounging in the hammock. “Oh, hey, mate,” says Feras, completely unsurprised at this small potatoes twist.
There’s no time for any further explanations either, because suddenly it’s Kelli’s son’s birthday! We have a very normal, very usual birthday celebration ceremony, consisting mostly of flower and rock arranging, but also aspects of a Viking funeral?
Anyway, it’s important to Kelli, so obviously there’s a lot of smirking and fun-making, but mostly behind her back, which, to be fair, is probably the best anybody can reasonably expect from players who’ve had to live with her for three weeks or so.
Still, enough birthday celebrations. Time for strategy. “Hey,” says Kirby. “Let’s vote out Raymond. He’s the only one of the four members of Feras’s alliance that we can possibly attack.”
Kelli hates this idea. “But I don’t want to vote for Raymond,” she complains.
“Too bad. He’s the only one we can target.”
“Why?”
“There’ll be time for explanations later. Kirby out.”
Modern Stone Age Families
Grade: A-
The reward is simple. You can either eat—
“Eat!” shouts Jaden, immediately, and gets to work on a rack of brontosaurus ribs like the Flintstones character he is.
JLP explains the alternative to the rest of the tribes, which is that they can get a clue to an idol back at camp instead of the food.
Everybody else makes their decision, as Jaden belches loudly. Mark, Rianna and Eden opt to go search for an idol on New Rebels beach. Feras, Alex and Aileen do the same on New Titans. More on that, shortly.
For now, it’s time to eat. Or, as it turns out, have Kelli spill every single secret to Kitty and Caroline, while Kirby tries to subtly shut her down. This is all a relief for Kitty and Caroline, who’ve just escaped a grilling from Valeria about Viola’s ouster.
“Did somebody say grilling?” says Jaden, looking around for the BBQ. “Yabba dabba doo!”
Unobtainium
Grade: F
Let’s check in on the idol searchers, shall we? First up, it’s Mark, Eden and Rianna. They read their clue: “It’s in the tree right in front of you.”
Mark, of course, attempts to tear the tree in half in order to get to the idol. A sound tactic, as we all know, but he’s not fast enough, and Rianna gets to it first. (Eden was distracted, trying to come up with a tree-related movie reference. “The Ents from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), dir. Peter Jackson?” he could be heard muttering to himself. “Or maybe that tree in Avatar (2009), dir. James Cameron that had to be burnt down to get the unobtainium?”
Feras, meanwhile, over on New Titans beach, spots the idol immediately (clue: ‘It’s in your shelter, you idiots’), but for some reason decides he doesn’t want a second public idol. He tries to guide Alex to it, but Alex can’t work it out.
After about forty-five minutes of this (Aileen had presumably wandered back to the meal), Feras just starts going ‘colder, warmer, warmer, boiling’ (but, y’know, in a casual way) until Alex tracks it down.
Meerkats
Grade: F
Then there’s an immunity challenge - a classic game of Drownball, in which Jaden drowns two players at a time until the New Rebels win. (Mark, meanwhile, balances a ball on his nose until tossed some fish from his trainer.)
The New Titans are unanimous in their thinking. Despite the cruelty of targeting Kelli the day after her son’s birthday, they’re doing it, anyway.
Kirby, however, also wants to subtly trick Feras and Alex into becoming so paranoid they’ll waste their idols. She is unsuccessful, despite the editors’ best attempts to convince us otherwise.
At Tribal Council, Kelli tries to explain her position in the tribe by claiming she’s, uh, not a meerkat?? Nobody quite knows what she’s talking about. Especially Valeria, who has suddenly had enough!
“I have seen those ‘compare the meerkat’ television advertisements,” rants Valeria. “And I do not care for them. Meerkats should not be salesmongeese for insurance companies, dressed in smoking jackets and smoking a pipe. I will not abide for this.”
And with that brave stance from Valeria, Kelli is voted out. As she leaves, she proudly drops a bombshell. “What none of you suspected,” she says, dramatically. “Was that I am… a psychologist.”
The tribe immediately Spartacus her, standing up, one by one, replying ‘No, I’m a psychologist’.
And with that last laugh at Kelli’s expense, we bid farewell to a non-meerkat great. (Well, eventually. She takes a while to get through the torch-snuffing ritual, which is forced to run over the opening credits of the next show.)