Australian Survivor Report Card - Titans v Rebels - Episode 4

Featuring Lost hatches, strong moral stances, missing wrenches and foolproof evil plans

Previously on Australian Survivor: Mark was a dolphin, Peta was a Barbie, and Kelli was a horndog

Australian Survivor Report Card - Titans v Rebels - Episode 3

Here’s the report card for the fourth episode of Titans v Rebels

Lost Hatches
Grade: B-

We are led into the second week of Australian Survivor by an appearance on The Project by The Fonz. This, of course, was one of Eden’s conditions for being on the show. “Henry Winkler, people? Scream (1996, dir: Wes Craven)? Night Shift (1982, dir: Ron Howard)? Click (2006, dir: Frank Coraci). Ever heard of them? Make it happen.”

And so, just like Adam Sandler in the aforementioned Click, we’re fast-forwarding through desk chat into the episode, which begins at the Titans camp. That’s where we find Caroline rubbing Viola and Valeria the wrong way (not literally), setting up the potential for a very vexing Viola-Valeria vibe vote.

Over at the Rebels camp, while wandering through the jungle, trying to avoid Kelli’s pushy insistence that everybody plays Twister, Feras stumbles onto a small, mysterious locked door in the ground. 

Eden: “I would, assuming we’re talking about Twister (1996), starring Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton.”

“It’s like the door to Narnia!” he enthuses.

Of course, he’s wrong about this. The door to Narnia is, like, definitionally a wardrobe. What you’re looking at, Feras, is a Lost hatch.

Is there a Scotsman down there, pressing a button every 108 minutes to save the world (spoilers for the second season of Lost)? The only way to find out is by winning reward. (Just as Jack and Locke did in the season one finale.)

Strong Moral Stances
Grade: A

The challenge is one of those ones where it’s basically a fist fight. This time, there’s a bell involved somehow.

The reward? A canned charcuterie board. 

These kinds of challenges are the only thing that might someday convince me to apply for Survivor. I would like to go on, solely to refuse to compete in them. “No, thank you,” I’d say. “This is very dumb and dangerous.” Would my tribemates vote me out for not helping them win these stupid challenges? No, because they’d be overcome with respect at my strong moral stance. 

The point is that, after a hearty battle and the brave deaths of only a half dozen or so players from both sides, the Rebels win reward. In the grazing plate? A key to Feras’s hatch, hidden inside a rolled-up piece of chorizo. 

He and Garrick sneak off. (Raymond is also invited, but is swiftly distracted by a passing boom operator.) They unlock what is now revealed to be a treasure box. It contains an idol and a key to a treasure box on the other tribe’s island.

“The important thing is that nobody else finds out about this,” says Feras.

“Agreed,” says Garrick, not even noticing that Alex is standing right beside him. 

Garrick skill set is for detecting people sneakily pocketing stuff, not sneakily pocketing stuff himself.

Missing Wrenches
Grade: D

Time for a game of dodgeball for immunity.

“Ah!” says Eden. “Like Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004), starring Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn. Where are the wrenches?”

Everybody ignores him.

“Come on, people!” he continues. “It’s the most famous scene in the movie. The great Rip Torn! ‘If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.’”

He looks around, disappointed at everybody else’s blank faces.

With no warm-up wrench training, the game boils down to which innate skills are more valuable. Kirby’s platform catching ability? (She told her alliance she wouldn’t catch the ball but then sneakily did so to keep on the good side of the remaining Cuddlers.)

Or Jaden’s skill of being in the water, gathering loose balls, by virtue of being absolutely enormous. (Example piece of play, Jaden: (drowning Garrick) “Sorry bro.”)

Raymond playing a great game of SlightlyVeerToOneSideBall

Turns out it’s the latter, and the Rebels are heading back to Tribal Council.

Foolproof Evil Plans
Grade: C+

Aileen has a plan. She wants to split the votes on Alex and Tobias 4-4, which would force Sarah to decide on the revote which of her two cuddle chums to send home.

Magnificently evil stuff.

Aileen explains to everybody that the plan is foolproof, a split-second before Kelli enters the scene. 

This is why we watch the show, people.

There’s a bit of counterplanning from the confused Cuddlers side, who want to flush Feras’s idol. This causes a bit of needless running around and panicking, a lot of which we don’t even get to see. (For example, I bet we’re missing a lot of footage of people asking ‘Who is Scott voting for?’. Or, at least, 3/5 of that question.)

“Well, we’re liked. Very well liked.” is a great conversation starter at parties. Try it!

Ultimately, Feras’s idol is flushed. But despite Aileen giving Kelli a very simple mnemonic (‘A is for Alex, B is for Blindside, C is for Come on, Kelli, don’t mess this up.’) that rings through her mind as she approaches the urn (Aileen voiceover on every vote from now on, please), Kelli switches things up.

Instead of a tie that goes to cruel revote, Tobias goes home on a simple majority instead.

Kelli had earlier explained in the Tribal Council that she’s the kind of person who calls ‘a spade a spade’. What she didn’t mention is that she’s also the kind of person who calls ‘a Tobias vote an Alex vote’.

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