Australian Survivor Report Card - Titans v Rebels - Episode 3
Featuring being a dolphin, Barbie and Ken, throwing challenges and Love Island
Previously on Australian Survivor: Boxes contained bananas, hands proved to be invisible and an idol discovery went viral on TikTok
Here’s the report card for the third episode of Titans v Rebels.
Being A Dolphin
Grade: B
“I love a good name for an alliance,” says Eden, upon returning from Tribal Council. He then immediately undercuts this claim by adding two members, Caroline (a Titan of midwifery) and Kitty (a Titan of being named after a cat), to ‘The Invisible Hand’ to create ‘The Middle-Aged Mafia’.
Luckily, we cut almost immediately away from his dreadful Brando impression to the reward challenge. It’s a simple game of ‘Escape A Cage Before You’re Murdered By Drowning’. A classic.
After spirited competition, Mark eventually secures reward for the Titans, gliding through the water and over the net. “He’s like a dolphin!” shrieks Alex. “Sleek and smooth, but also technically a mammal.”
“He’s a dolphin crossed with a diplomat!” says Valeria (a Titan of being a Russian model). “A diplomolphin.”
Mark blows water out of his blowhole and laughs. He has won his tribe a bucket of fish.
Barbie and Ken
Grade: C-
Except it’s not fish. It’s tinned food. The Titans are disappointed at this. And even more disappointed when Winna eats nineteen of them before anybody can stop him, swallowing the cans whole.
Over at the Rebel camp, meanwhile, Peta declares that she and Alex are the Barbie and Ken Alliance. By which she means, he will get nominated for an Oscar and she won’t.
On the plus side, she finds an idol, hidden in a Barbie Malibu Dollhouse Playset near the well. Overflowing with confidence, she, Alex, Tobias and Sara (the ‘Cuddle Crew’) decide to throw the next challenge so they can vote out Kelli.
“The four of us have the numbers!” Alex declares, putting his Rebel maths skills to work.
So off they head to the challenge, where JLP probes why the Rebels have won so many challenges.
“Garrick, what is the secret to the Rebels’ success so far?”
“Being merciless against minor retail transgressions.”
Throwing Challenges
Grade: D+
The immunity challenge is a game of ‘Obstacle Sled Race and Machete Climb with Bonus Slingshot Block Puzzle’. A classic.
While The Cuddle Crew blatantly throw the challenge, Eden gathers the machete for the Titans. “That’s not a knife,” he says, as he jumps down with it. “This is a knife. Crocodile Dundee (1986), starring Paul Hogan.”
But nobody has time for Eden’s nonsense. Not today. There’s a challenge to win. Nathan starts slingshotting the blocks over like nobody’s business.
Kelli applauds enthusiastically. “How can this man be single??” she squeals. (I forgot to mention, Kelli hit on Nathan after the reward challenge. Because, y’know, she’s never spoken to him.)
Tobias, in contrast, cannot get the slingshot working. “Oh, drat and bother,” he says, unconvincingly.
While all that’s going on, Eden and Charles (a Titan of putting on contracts the yellow stickers that say ‘sign here’) get to work on the puzzle. They zip through it easily, but JLP says they’re not done yet.
“I thought this was over!” says Eden, frustrated. “There’s still more to go? This is just like the eleven-Oscar winning The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003), dir: Peter Jackson.”
Fortunately, they find the problem just in the nick of time, and the Titans win.
Love Island
Grade: F
Back at camp, Garrick smells a rat. Also, he’s suspicious that the Cuddle Crew threw the challenge. So he puts down the rat and talks to Feras, who, in turn, talks to Kirby.
Kirby has had just about enough of that lot. “This is not Love Island,” she says, before being shushed by the producers, who will happily take any confused viewers they can get in the first week. “I’m an AFLW coach, so I’m all about strategy. Also, kicking things.”
Kirby therefore rallies everybody else to do some handballing drills, before turning the numbers against Peta.
There’s some minor tension when Kelli loses her mind about the votes being against her, but a quick bout of meditation fixes that. As does some, uh, enthusiastic acting about how awful she finds the prospect of being voted out.
“That’s how you get nominated for an Oscar, Barbie!” she shouts in triumph, as Peta is blindsided.
Alex, meanwhile, is annoyed that eight has turned out to be more than four. “Oh, so we’re using the lamestream education system’s version of addition to count votes, are we? I see how it is.”