Australian Survivor Report Card - Titans v Rebels - Episode 6

Featuring decoding Kelli, starving boys, passive sabotage and laughing at Survivor

Previously on Australian Survivor: Poetry was forgotten, humans were deadlifted, and Garrick was Batman.

Australian Survivor Report Card - Titans v Rebels - Episode 5

Here’s the report card for the sixth episode of Titans v Rebels

Decoding Kelli
Grade: C

We begin this episode precisely where we ended the previous one, with Kelli charging into the Titans tribe like a psychologist in a toy shop.

They welcome her suspiciously on board, trying to make sense of her explanation as to why she’s there. (“I found myself in the majority, and, as a result, I was ultimately voted out, because our alliance held a numerical advantage over the opposing faction, and those numbers were aimed at me.”)

The one thing that Mark pays particular attention to, though, is Kelli’s explanation of the treasure chest. (“It’s something that’s very real, I think, unless we made it up to toy with your minds, but I don’t think so because the parchment in our chest said there was another chest on this island, although that may not be true.”)

I wish Winna had eaten the lock. Or, y’know, pranked it.

Unable to make head nor tail of what Kelli’s saying, Mark simply walks over to the treasure chest, tears the lock off it with his bare hands and claims the idol.

Proper Australian Survivoring.

Starving Boys
Grade: F

The Rebels then win the Reward Challenge, a very usual game of Doubles Lean-To Water Drop. A classic. 

Viola and Valeria refusing to make an upside down V. Right side up or nothing for these ladies, JLP.

So they head off to eat toasties, while Kirby (“Feras has to happen”) and Feras (“Kirby, stop trying to make Feras happen”) glare at one another over melted cheese, until Feras breaks eye contact to go tear apart a tree in order to find another idol.

Back on Titans beach, Caroline is furious about how much the big boys eat.

“Careful, Winna,” she says, at one point, as Winna dishes up a massive serve of rice and beans. “That’s a lot.”

“It sure is!” replies Winna. “And you won’t believe how fast I can eat it.”

Caroline continues to fume, as a starving Nathan starts eating the tarp.

Passive Sabotage
Grade: D+

Over to the immunity challenge, then, a Rope-Untangling, Oar-Carrying Obstacle Course with Rowing Leg and Dangling Word Puzzle (a classic), which Kelli is charged with sabotaging. So, naturally, she sits out of the entire thing.

Despite Mark, overcome with fresh confidence, skipping the vital step of unlocking the paddles by instead tearing the lock in half with his bare hands, the Rebels take an early lead.

Around about this point, Kelli looks up from her place on the sit-out bench and says ‘OH! Wait!’ 

But it’s too late. We’re into the puzzle-solving portion of the challenge, which is a faithful replication of Eden’s daily routine putting the names of today’s movies on the marquee. He even uses the same equipment (ie, a reversed block-holding mechanism, held up with ropes by cinema ushers and popcorn sales folk).

Coming soon to a cinema near you, Nte rn z Uamahiet (2024, dir: M. Night Shyamalan)

Again, despite this advantage, it’s not enough for the Rebels to win, and it’s back to Tribal Council for the Titans. 

Kelli winks at her Rebels as she leaves. I sat out because I would have been too good at the challenge, the wink says (as voiced over by Aileen).

Laughing At Survivor
Grade: A-

Caroline springs into action and targets Nathan, who is off eating a demolished chest he’s found in the jungle. (“Demolishious!” he says.)

Word of Nathan’s blindside eventually gets back to his allies, Winna and Jaden, something that, under normal circumstances, would open the door for a counterattack. 

But not with these two. Winna just kinda shrugs and says ‘okay’, while Jaden laughs, delighted at the prospect of shenanigans.

Jaden finds everything about Survivor delightful and hilarious, and this, in turn, is why I find him delightful and hilarious.

“Deciding beforehand which person to vote out?” he’ll laugh. “That’s so funny, bro.”

“Not telling them what’s going on?” he’ll chortle. “Where do you guys come up with this stuff?”

“Ha ha ha! Look at all those votes for me!”

And so forth. 

Valeria’s accent makes any talk about blindsides sound about 350% more ominous. Good casting.

Would he find it as funny, if the votes for him were an actual attempt to send him home, rather than just a split vote alternative against the true target of Nathan?

Why, yes, I think he would. Giant man could not care less about any of this strategisin’ shit. 

Golden God bless this man.