Cheating At Chess
A relationship in zugzwang
A husband and wife are setting up a chessboard.1
HUSBAND: (placing his bishops) I have a confession to make.
WIFE: (straightening her knights) Yes?
HUSBAND: I’ve… I’ve been playing somebody else.
WIFE: (stunned) What? Who?
HUSBAND: Cheryl.
WIFE: From your office? How long has this been going on?
HUSBAND: It started at the Christmas party.
WIFE: (incredulous) You played chess against Cheryl at the office Christmas party?
HUSBAND: Yes. On the photocopier machine. We’d both had a few drinks and she had a portable board and… we started talking about openings. And, I dunno… one thing led to another.
WIFE: But it was just that one time?
HUSBAND: (sheepish) No.
WIFE: No? (quietly) Do you love playing with her?
HUSBAND: No! I love playing with you. The chess with Cheryl was purely mental.
WIFE: What does that mean? Do I not satisfy you mentally any more?
HUSBAND: You have to admit we’ve been in a bit of a rut. 1. e4, e5 2. Nf3, Nc6 3. Bb5. Every time.
WIFE: I thought you liked the Ruy Lopez! Getting your bishop out early.
HUSBAND: I do. But… (shrugs) sometimes variety is also good.
WIFE: (with contempt) I suppose Cheryl is full of variety.
HUSBAND: (suddenly defensive) She is, actually! Sometimes she’ll play the Caro-Kann Defense. Sometimes it’s the Queen’s Gambit. One time, even… (whispers) the Najdorf variation.
WIFE: (shocked) You’re into the Najdorf variation?
HUSBAND: (sighs) No. Not really. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious.
WIFE: Sounds like Cheryl satisfied a lot of your curiosities. Where did you even find the time to play so much chess with her?
HUSBAND: I dunno. We’d grab moments here and there… wherever we could find a board.
WIFE: (blinking angrily) Please tell me you didn’t play chess on our board.
HUSBAND: (refusing to meet her gaze)
WIFE: I can’t believe you’d do that. You’re a pig.
HUSBAND: I’m sorry.
WIFE: (sweeping the pieces off the board) How am I supposed to trust you? How am I supposed to play chess with you again on our board, knowing that’s where you’ve played chess with her? Am I supposed to not think about her with her Najdorf variations?
HUSBAND: I know. I know. I just… made a mistake. But it’s over now… and we’ve got through this kind of thing before. Remember that summer you were settling Catan?
WIFE: (furious) That was completely different, and you know it. We discussed that. Together.
HUSBAND: Okay, okay.
WIFE: No, you will not throw Catan in my face. (standing) I… I think I need some time away from you.
HUSBAND: (shocked) What? Where will you go?
WIFE: I think I’ll go stay with one of my lovers.
HUSBAND: George?
WIFE: No, his bathroom’s being renovated. Maybe Leon. He’s just added Sarah to his polycule and I’ve always wanted to fuck those two.
HUSBAND: (nodding) Okay. I’ll give you your space.
She leaves. He starts picking up the pieces.
Zugzwang (from German 'compulsion to move'; pronounced [ˈtsuːktsvaŋ]) is a situation found in chess and other turn-based games wherein one player is put at a disadvantage because of their obligation to make a move
This is superb, Dan. Despite having no mention of cricket, it has to be one of the best things you have ever written!