New Zealand v Australia Second Test Report Card, Day Two

Featuring cricketing perverts and Groundhog Day rip-offs

Cricketing Perverts
Grade: D+

Matt Henry continued his one man onslaught against Australia on the second day, removing Nathan Lyon for 20 and Mitchell Marsh for a four-ball duck. (Another duck in the second innings and, according to Australian Cricket Awards bylaws, Marsh will have to return his Allan Border Medal and retract his jovial speech. Pressure!)

Glenn Phillips decided to make it a two-man onslaught by coming on to bowl and immediately taking the wicket of Alex Carey, before spectacularly holding onto a quarter-chance from Marnus Labuschagne on what cricketing perverts like to call ‘the stroke of lunch’. (To be fair, it was an exciting catch.)

Australia’s lead was a mere 59, and while Pat Cummins thrillingly extended that lead to 94 via a quite startling first Test Cameron Green impression (ie, he waited for Josh Hazlewood to come to the crease, then started hogging the strike and clobbering sixes), that impression, unsurprisingly, fell short. 

(Explanation of joke: because Cameron Green is very tall.)