Ocean's XI
Are you in or out?
It’s something we’ve all wondered at some point or another. In what order, exactly, would Danny Ocean’s loveable gang of criminal conmen, burglars, and rogues, as featured in Steven Soderbergh’s 2001 American heist comedy film Ocean's Eleven, bat, if asked to compete in a first class cricket match (against, say, the nine members of the Fellowship of the Ring plus a couple of spare orcs).
I’ve had a crack at this fundamental cinematic cricketing question, and here’s what I’ve come up with.
Reuben Tishkoff (Elliott Gould)
Takes his place at the top of the order, mostly because he’s financing the entire enterprise (including team registration fees, fines for slow over rates, and bar tab). But also, hey, what new ball attack wouldn’t be intimidated by the sight of Elliott Gould’s magnificent hairy chest?
Livingston Dell (Eddie Jemison)
A nervy character, especially compared to his opening batting partner, which makes him perhaps a controversial choice to open the innings. But, counterpoint: as a surveillance expert, who better to see off the new ball? Not afraid to get his hands (or face) dirty to get the job done.
Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt)
At first drop, we have the coolest man in the business, a man unafraid to make plans, take risks, and have them come off. But also the kind of batter who, if an early wicket falls, can be relied upon to see you safely through to his favourite part of the game - lunch.
Danny Ocean (c) (George Clooney)
Our captain, of course, and the key figure in the batting lineup, alongside Ryan at number three. If this team is going to succeed, you’d expect those two to provide the bulk of the runs and/or People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive awards. Putting the ‘handsome’ back into ‘oh, my, that’s a handsome cover drive’.
Saul Bloom (Carl Reiner)
Coming out of ulcer-induced retirement (‘LOL’), he provides a wealth of experience batting at five. Cricket experience? No. But he is willing to wear a bucket hat, and these days, that’s just as important.
Linus Caldwell (Matt Damon)
A genuine all-rounder, eager to prove his skills to his more experienced teammates. Canonically the son of famous con artist Bobby Caldwell, he would also be keen to fight off perceptions that his selection came about through nepotism, thereby earning him the sought after Mitch Marsh role in the side.
Basher Tarr (wk) (Don Cheadle)
You may think that, as the munitions expert, he has been selected as wicketkeeper to provide explosive batting, a la an Adam Gilchrist type. No, he’s actually been selected to keep wicket based on the sheer quantity of dreadful rhyming slang he employs, a font of gibberish that would surely make him one of the more fearsome sledging forces the game has ever seen.
Virgil Malloy (Casey Affleck) and Turk Malloy (Scott Caan)
I dunno, they’re a pair of hotheads who like things that move fast. Give them the new ball, let them squabble over who bowls from which end and see what happens. It worked for Alec and Eric Bedser. Why couldn’t it work for the Malloys?
The Amazing Yen (Qin Shaobo)
Our spinner, based solely on the principle that any cricketer with that degree of body flexibility could surely be taught to bowl a world-class doosra.
Frank Catton (Bernie Mac)
Let’s assume he’s a wily veteran seam bowler who has no interest whatsoever in batting. You know the type. I’ll be honest, I have no real memory of his role in the heist, but I assume it was the cricketing equivalent of bowling tirelessly into the wind with the older ball.
So there we are. A fine team, who are almost certainly only playing this game of cricket so that they can secretly steal the prize money for the match from under the ICC’s collective noses.
(Y’know, just like that time Kane Williamson and his men distracted us all with their ‘oh, we’ve lost the World Cup in heart-breaking, nonsensical circumstances but we’ve done it with a smile on our faces’ shtick, and nobody even noticed that they’d also surreptitiously made off with the Crown Jewels. Easy-peasy, conmen Kiwi-sy.)