Australian Survivor Report Card - Brains v Brawn 2 - Episode 3
Featuring rice and beans, gym memberships, unpuzzliness, ambiguous jabbering and final words
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Previously on Australian Survivor: Nash outwitted Zen, Laura cast a spell, and Indy entered the Temple of Doom (ie, Tribal Council)
Rice and Beans
Grade: C+
We begin the episode with Zen channelling his inner Monty Python Spam sketch and complaining about the food on Survivor and its over-reliance on rice and beans.
He explains: “You can have rice, beans, rice and beans, beans and rice, rice-beans, beaned rice, a rice bean blend, a bean rice mix, rice (with beans), beans (with rice) or a KFC-sponsored reward (with rice and/or beans).”
A grim dietary outlook for Zen. Still, at least things can’t get any worse for him, right?
Over on the Brains tribe, meanwhile, we meet AJ, a poker player, who has used his poker powers to calculate that there are now fewer women on the tribe than men. In Survivor, as in poker, he therefore argues, whenever you get the smallest of statistical edges, you must pounce.
Oh, AJ, if you’re betting on your ability to wrangle these Brains men into a unified voting bloc, then I’m not only calling, but going all in on the Coven.
Gym Memberships
Grade: D-
Now it’s time for a reward challenge, a classic game of Bash-Thru-U, in which players must simply crash into one another as hard as they can and whoever bounces out least scathed wins.
Frankly, this challenge could have been an email (one with records of each player’s gym membership attached), as the idiot Brawns successfully concuss their way to victory.
This, of course, is where I place my regular annual reminder that if I’m ever on Survivor, I will simply refuse to take part in these challenges where some musclebound meathead might inadvertently (or advertently) break my neck. Just dive straight into the sea rather than take part. You can’t win the game if you’re dead. That’s my motto. Always has been.
Oh sure. I’ll never be cast on Survivor with this attitude. But I’ll also never be in a cast on Survivor with this attitude. Which is more than we can say about poor old Zen, who fractures his thumb and shows up at the next immunity challenge to tell everybody that he’s been pulled from the game.
“Any final words, Zen?” asks JLP.
“Perspicacious.”
Unpuzzliness
Grade: F
A clue at the reward allows beloved children’s book character, Paulie the Paramedic, to find an idol. So we’ll let that bubble away for a bit. Mostly, I’m just hoping there’s a swap soon and every single person who’s shown a modicum of intelligence in the game so far will end up on the one tribe and be revealed to have been the actual Brains tribe all along.
(Not even joking about this. It’d be a great way to start one of these themed seasons. And, hey, we all remember Rebels v Titans - was there a single person who couldn’t have been seamlessly switched to the other tribe there? Let’s lean into it.)
But now it’s time for the immunity challenge, a classic game of Climb Em’Up Droopy Pole Tile Slingshot. I dunno, smells pretty unpuzzly to me. And so it proves, with Brawn winning, despite some last minute Kent slingshot heroics.
With Brains heading back to Tribal Council, Kent reveals (and you’re not going to believe this) that he’s targeting Myles. He goes on to add that ‘Myles got through last night by the skin of his teeth’.
Kent, mate. He got two votes. Invest in a new dentist.
Ambiguous Jabbering
Grade: F+
But, wait! Now it’s time for AJ to spring into action. He has a plan to target Logan - yes, despite her mutant healing factor - and brings in Ally from the Coven to pitch the plan to her.
Unfortunately for him, the AJ stands for ‘ambiguous jabbering’, and his subtle hints as to what he wants to happen turn out to be inscrutably subtle, resulting in them being completely misinterpreted. Ally returns to the Coven to tell them exactly what AJ has planned - after all, if you can’t trust an Ally in your alliance then I don’t know who you can trust - and reveals that he (AJ) is targeting Rich (!?).
Much confusion ensues, and even attempts at clarification don’t really sort things out, with AJ trying to explain himself to Rich, and also attempting to drag Myles into the shambles. Meanwhile, the Coven cast a spell of Voting Clarity, which gives them +3 on their roll against having a member of the alliance snicker silently while everybody else’s eyes are closed.
One thing’s for sure, Kent’s going to be awfully surprised when he wakes up and sees tonight’s particular mess.
Final Words
Grade: F
Kent kicks off Tribal Council by revealing he ate Rich’s buff, buried Ally’s shoes and poisoned AJ’s pet crab, Dylan. “And that,” he goes on to explain. “Is why we should all vote out Myles.”
Nobody is persuaded, however. Turns out that despite all of AJ’s ridiculous scheming, everybody is sticking to their original plan of voting out the most loathsome member of the tribe who everybody hates.
Still, as he leaves, Kent has some final thoughts on his game.
“Yes,” he begins. “Burning Max’s hat caused me to be voted out, no doubt about it, but I don’t regret it and won’t learn from it. Nor will I do any form of self-reflection or at any point strive to become a less awful person. I'll continue being exactly who I am - unapologetically destructive and unpleasant and proud of my abhorrent actions. The satisfaction of seeing that hat turn to ashes was worth any consequences. Let others judge, their opinions mean nothing to me. I'll keep doing whatever I please, regardless of how it affects those around me. For I… am rich.”
(offscreen) “No, I’m Rich.”
“Shut up, dude.”
Kent clears his throat. “And another thing, please don’t put in the newspaper that I got voted out of Survivor.”
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