Star Wars Planets Ranked By Suitability for Playing Test Cricket
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Star Wars Planets Ranked By Suitability for Playing Test Cricket
It’s a simple question. Which of the Star Wars planets would be most suitable for playing Test match cricket? Let's break it down, shall we?
Guidelines
Movies only. Sorry, Mandalorifans, Ahsokadvocates and Keenobis.
Skywalker Saga planets only. Sorry, Solotégés and Rogue Onethusiasts.
Major planets only. If we just caught a glimpse of them while those idiot Jedis were being Order 66’ed, or the Ewoks were yub-nubbing up a storm, I don’t want to know about it.
1. Naboo (The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith)
Extremely promising cricketing planet. Vast, green fields containing plenty of grass on which young lovers can roll around, discussing galactic politics and their hatred of sand, all while providing the foundation for an entire meme format. Surely they can set aside some territory for a galactic-class cricket ground.
2. Cantonica (The Last Jedi)
The planet that’s home to Canto Bight, an opulent resort city riddled with casinos that cater to insanely wealthy arms traders. To be honest, I’m surprised a World Cup hasn’t been held there already.
3. Forest Moon of Endor (Return of the Jedi, The Rise of Skywalker)
Perfectly viable middle ground planet and the best forest planet (okay, okay, moon) on which to play. Clear a few trees out with the help of the local Ewoks and let’s get cricketing.
(Note: the other forest planet/moons are ranked similarly, but slightly lower, as follows)
3a. Takodana (The Force Awakens)
If one could convince Maz Kanata to build a cricket ground near her castle, it would serve as a fine Member’s Stand. But I’m unconvinced that she could be convinced.
3b. Yavin IV (A New Hope)
Loses points because of the prospect of a Death Star arriving to blow it up.
3c. Kashyyyk (Revenge of the Sith)
One suspects that Wookiees may be harder to convince to clear out a few trees than their tinier, stupider Ewok cousins.
4. Geonosis (Attack of the Clones)
Already has a stadium in which the locals watch Jedis and their girlfriends be eaten by unusual monsters. That’s easy enough to transform into a cricket ground. Plus, it’s a planet that’s home to a species of insects that may well turn out to be some form of evolved crickets. If this can be proven, the sport sells itself.
5. Dagobah (The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi)
A perfect planet for preparing greentop pitches, Dagobah’s humidity and sustained cloud cover will also assist seam and swing bowlers, providing highly challenging conditions for batters against the moving ball. As a bonus, it’s conceivable that we could get Yoda umpiring: “Plumb in front, it is. Out, you are.”
6. Jakku (The Force Awakens)
Essentially Tatooine, but with one fewer sun, which means the pitch might hold together better on the fourth and fifth day. Plus, you could watch matches atop graveyards of damaged ships.
7. Tatooine (A New Hope, Return of the Jedi, The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith, The Rise of Skywalker)
Cooking under its twin suns, we’d expect Tatooine to provide very dry playing surfaces likely to crumble and break apart at the back end of a Test. This would make Tatooine a natural home for a variety of spinners, be they leg-spinning Jawas, off-spinning Tusken Raiders or mystery spinning Hutts. Scheduling Tests might prove a challenge, however, given the popularity of pod-racing in the Tatooine sporting calendar.
8. Ahch-to (The Force Awakens, The Last Jedi)
A mostly promising planet with a decent climate. Perhaps a little rocky and difficult to find, but certainly a viable location to host a cricket match. However, the prospect of the outfield being covered in adorable Porgs is one to keep in mind. You think seagulls are bad? How are you going to feel if a batter whips one through deep midwicket and kills a Porg?
9. Hoth (The Empire Strikes Back)
Too cold and icy. On the plus side, maybe the giant snow beast Wampas could be trained to umpire matches. A square leg Wampire? Yes, please.
10. Crait (The Last Jedi)
Similar to Hoth, given all the ice. But the ice is salty, which would inevitably open up a fresh realm of tedious fan banter. “You’re so salty, I thought we were playing on Crait.”
11. Bespin (The Empire Strikes Back)
Playing cricket in Cloud City might get some of those overly athletic outfielders thinking again about those crazy leaps on the boundary’s edge. Y’know, considering they’d now run the risk of plummeting to their untimely death.
12. Coruscant (The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith)
A planet that’s an entire city? A city that’s an entire planet? Where are you going to play cricket? Do you think the Galactic Republic has set aside valuable land for a proper cricket ground in its seat of government? No. Street cricket at best.
13. Exegol (The Rise of Skywalker)
Stormy. Gloomy. Location deliberately obscured. Home to the Sith. Force lightning everywhere. Not much going for it, really.
14. Mustafar (Revenge of the Sith)
No, thank you. We’re not playing cricket on a volcanic planet. You think a ball gets scuffed up on rough outfields? Wait until you see it after a dip in the lava.
15. Kamino (Attack of the Clones)
An ocean planet? Come on. Yes, there’ll be no shortage of players, what with a clone army being developed there and all. But where are they going to play?
16. Alderaan (A New Hope, Revenge of the Sith)
Exploded.
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